The way to a baby for me (according to my RE) is. . .
Through donor eggs!
Yep, we had our WTF appointment today and the doctor said nothing that I hadn’t figured out on my own already.
It turns out the follicles during the IVF cycle were truly empty and that her initial prediction was that I would get four eggs retrieved. Of course, I got two. She also said that my two retrieved eggs didn’t make it to the cleavage stage which indicates an egg quality issue. Had the eggs made it past this stage and made it to transfer, she would likely recommend a second try at this with my own eggs.
She made it clear that she would indeed do a second IVF, if this is what I wanted, but predicted a similar outcome. Taking into account my years of trying, my two losses, and this failed IVF, the egg quality just isn’t there.
I’m a little confused about my husband’s sperm issues with all of this. Initially, the doctor felt that my 4 IUI failures were due to a lack of fertilization, but now she thinks egg quality issues were coming to play even back then. So chances are, I’ve had poor egg quality for years now. The higher FSH that I have now is only compounding the problem, I think. I remember having my FSH tested over a year and a half ago and it was only 6.5 which was great, but I still had problems conceiving even then. It just goes to show you that a good FSH does not mean good egg quality, no matter what your age.
I have to face reality. I may only be 37 (which is still a good age for a “normal” woman to have a baby), but my body thinks it is older. Premature aging. It’s supposed to be harder for a woman my age to get pregnant, but not this hard.
Ask any woman who wants a child. Her dream is to bear a biological child. I am no different. Not being able to bear a biological child means grieving.
But I have to be honest with myself. I’ve been grieving this loss for a very long time now. I didn’t start grieving when I failed this IVF cycle, I didn’t start when I miscarried, and I didn’t start when the IUIs didn’t work. It’s been a continuous process for years now, I guess.
Maybe that’s why I didn’t cry when she recommended donor eggs. If she had recommended this a month ago, I would have fallen apart. Maybe I’m finally at the last stage of grief–acceptance.
Like I said before, I think I’m done blaming myself. As far as I know, my egg quality could have been gone in my 20′s. I didn’t choose it. I didn’t ask for it to happen and it’s not my fault. I don’t know why it happened to me, but I know I can’t change it. I used to be a happy person; maybe I can find my way back to it. I’ve got a lot going for me in my life and a lot to be thankful for.
I’m going to beat infertility, one way or another. My desire to be a mother hasn’t wavered. I choose to believe that God put that desire in me and that he will fulfill it somehow. It may not be in the way I choose, but I believe that it will happen.
I don’t intend to do another IVF cycle with my own eggs, but I will continue to try to conceive naturally. I did ask the RE about DHEA and she said that in some cases it has helped women and it some cases it has not. It certainly won’t hurt to try. Her recommendation is 50 mg in the morning. I will also go back to acupuncture and try changing my diet.
As for donor eggs, it is an option that we are strongly considering in the coming months. I’m not saying that it is a definite, but I’m no longer completely against it and my husband has warmed up to the idea as well. There’s still a major hurdle–money. In case you are wondering, we don’t have any. Even if we still had insurance coverage, my policy does not cover donor eggs.
So there you have it. My day. Now it’s time to clean up my house for the holidays!