In just a few days fall will be here. I know many who say fall is their favorite season.
These people are crazy. Some like the excitement of the football season (around here, if you don’t pledge absolute and utter allegiance to Carolina or Clemson football, you are branded a traitor to your family, your country, and God). Others like the promise of cooler, crisper weather which is a relief from the scorching summers. Many, like myself, simply appreciate the landscape–crimson and amber-colored jewels one minute and something even more breathtaking and brilliant the next.
For me, fall has never been a favorite season. It is more of a reflective time and I know it is for others as well. I have no clue why this season is so reflective in nature. Maybe it has something to do with the shorter days. Whatever the reason, I spend this time thinking, not necessarily about the previous year, but years gone by. I don’t necessarily think about bad things that have happened. Rather I am reminded of what still lingers. Memories I have long since tucked away, and yes, of memories that I still want to make.
For the longest time, I’ve wished that I could be the person I was before infertility. That person has always lingered within me, even in my darkest times. I’ve clung to her, even romanticized her. But now I realize that I will never be that person again nor do I want to be. I want to be a better, different person.
People say that happiness is a choice and I both agree and disagree with this. When things go badly for a long time, you tend to question the good things when they finally come your way. You find yourself retreating into that cloud of doubt, not because you prefer it, but simply because it is what you know. Infertility does that to you and unfortunately the memory of it cannot be erased.
So, how do you find the faith to accept the blessings that are in front of you? How do you become the person you want to be when the ghosts of infertility haunt you? Like everything else, there are no easy answers. For once though, I think I’m ok with that because I want the future that has been planned for me. I want to create those memories, make those moments count. It’s not easy, but I think it is possible.