Then Came the Birth Control Pill

It’s official! In one month, I will be reunited with my old friend, the follicle-stimulating hormone, aka the fertility drug.

It’s been well over a year since I have taken any of these and I hope I’m not jinxing myself by saying this, but I don’t remember ever having any of the harsh emotional side effects that you are supposed to have with them. Granted, I was never on a high dosage, and maybe I was already emotionally unhinged before I started them, so my emotions balanced themselves out.  Who knows?

However, I have met a foe, yes foe, that I believe puts the supposed emotional sapping power of FSH to shame. The birth control pill.

Like some of you, my new RE (new RE, I just love saying that) put me on birth control before the IVF. From what I understand, many IVF clinics like to schedule all the IVFs within a given time period. To do this, everyone’s cycles have to be somewhat in sync, hence the reason for the pills.

I have never taken a birth control pill in my life.

I started them about two weeks ago and didn’t have any major, preconceived notions of what they would be like. My main concern was remembering to take them (and yes, I already forgot to take one after a particularly rough night) and secretly fearing that I would gain weight, which I heard happens.

I wasn’t prepared for the all-out PMS-like rage that made me want to knock someone to the ground and repeatedly punch her in the face. At first, I thought my emotions weren’t so bad, but then my wonderful husband informed me of my extreme moods when I asked him if I seemed “different” lately. Of course, his remark sent me into a fit of angry tears.

Maybe I’m reacting this way because I’ve never had this medicine in my life and my body doesn’t know what to do with these hormones. Or, maybe it’s because I am suffering from major sinus/allergy issues along with some type of stomach virus that I can’t seem to get rid of. Whatever it is, I feel bad. Very bad. Physically and emotionally.

On Friday, my emotions took on a brand new life in the form of panic attacks and anxiety, very similar to what I experienced over the summer. I left two embarrassing messages with my RE and regular doctor’s offices where I practically hyperventilated. Now that I look back on it, I’m not sure why I called either one of them. I can’t stop taking the birth control pill and the RE has nothing to do with the antidepressants I take. The regular doctor knows I’ve been trying to get pregnant and will wonder why I’m on bcp in the first place. I guess I thought she could give me a higher dosage of the antidepressants.  I really don’t know what I’m going to say to them when they call me back.

The weird thing is that I feel fine now. Just super tired. I’m no longer pissed off and I don’t think the world is going to end.  Believe it or not, before I started taking the pills, I’ve actually made it a point to be a more positive person. I’ve tried to visualize a positive outcome for the IVF and have constantly reminded myself that my past will not dictate my future.

Now, I feel like I am regressing.

In other news, I’ve been so busy at work, I’m way behind in reading your posts and am very much out of the loop. So, if you’ve gotten good news, had your baby, adopted a baby or had something great happen to you, I offer my congratulations.

So that’s a very brief update of where I am. Like always, I want to write more but at the end of the day, I just pass out.  Weirdly, I just feel pregnant. I’m getting ready for the real thing.

How’s that for positive thinking?