If you ask me this, I am going to ask you that

It’s that moment you’ve had countless times in the last couple of months, but can’t dodge because there’s no way out.  You run into a friend of a friend, acquaintance, or maybe just a stranger on the street.  You hope that this one will be a miss, or that perhaps you can sway the conversation to a neutral topic like the weather.  It begins. Customary greetings are exchanged, a few bits of small talk are made, and then THE QUESTION is asked:

Do you have any kids yet?

A simple, equally effective  Do you have any kids? might have hurt a tad less.  But no.  Yet.  Do you have any kids yet.  One simple word, but it changes the entire meaning of the sentence. Yet implies that something is expected and has not yet been manifested.  Your friend of a friend/acquaintance/stranger has reminded you of this. How thoughtful to be reminded once more of your shortcomings. 

Ok, maybe this is a fair question.  Most people are simply curious and have no clue that there is actually a percentage of the population that can’t get pregnant by simply laying on their backs.  The smart friend of friend/acquaintance/stranger will pick up on the obvious, uncomfortable silence that follows your “no” and will decide to change the subject or, hopefully, end the conversation completely(do you even like this person?!)

The socially inept, asinine, or perhaps just imbecilic friend of friend/acquaintance/stranger will utter the unthinkable:

Are you even trying to have kids?

Obviously, this is a more personal question that can be paraphrased as:

 Are you even having sex? 

Ok, the game has now changed.  Silly you!  You did not recognize 1)Your friend of friend/acquaintance/stranger was actually your secret best friend that you must have plumb forgot about (otherwise, she would have never asked you such an intimate question, right?) and 2) She is obviously a medical expert since she has children and seems to be offering solutions to what your RE has been puzzling over for months.  But it’s all good.  You obviously have a long-lost bestie; someone who has discovered the ground-breaking fact that sex may lead to babies.  So, sit back, relax and take advantage of your friend’s reciprocity and endless supply of wisdom.  Ask freely and loudly:

1) Congratulations!  You made three babies already when I’m batting zero (thanks for pointing that out by the way; there may have been a moment between 5:55 and 5:58 that I had forgotten about my infertility).  Now tell me–did your babymaking involve the missionary position, or perhaps, reverse cow-girl? 

2) Come to think of it, what is your favorite sexual position?  Did its use lead to baby #1 or baby #2?  Do you recommend it for me?

3) Did you orgasm? (by the way, thanks for reminding me that it is necessary for DH to do so for conception to occur)  If not, did you want to? Do you think wanting to orgasm can cause me to get pregnant three times like you did?

4) You casually mentioned (a thousand times) that you had no trouble conceiving three babies, so there is obviously something wrong with me.  Do you think my problem is that I’m just a selfish bitch who doesn’t know how to relax?

5) Thanks for sending me the picture link of your three precious tykes on Facebook (even though I blocked your ass two years ago).  Do you think my problem is that I’m too stupid to realize that intercourse must take place in order to conceive a child?  Are you sure about that?  Can I still use my birth control?


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