The Labyrinth

“How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!”

These are famous last words by someone named Simon Bolivar.  Of course I had never heard of Bolivar (well, maybe somewhere) or this quote until I read Looking for Alaska by John Green a couple of years ago.  Here is the entire quote:

 “He was shaken by the overwhelming revelation that the headlong race between his misfortunes and his dreams was at that moment reaching the finish line. The rest was darkness. “Damn it,” he sighed. “How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!”

These words, or rather this question, have been on my mind today.  For those of you who don’t know (and I certainly didn’t until I looked it up) a labyrinth is similar to a maze or tunnel–one you get easily lost in.  A labyrinth of suffering, so to speak.

I flipped through some old calendars today to count the number of cycles I have been TTC. 

I am on cycle 29.

 Two years ago, I honestly thought cycle 1 marked the start of a short journey.   Like everyone else, I assumed I would conceive a child in a few months.  I was happy and hopeful.  I think I actually glowed at the mere idea of being a mother.  Now I wonder if I’d even recognize that same glowing girl if I saw her.

Today, I asked myself a question I didn’t think I ever would:  Do I even want a child any more or do I just want my suffering to be over?  If I relinquish suffering, do I have to give up the one thing that would make me complete?

I try to have faith.  I believe in God and I believe in science.   But, how much does one person have to endure?  I’ve got to a point where I am just plain tired.  Tired of the what-if’s, tired of the maybe’s, tired of the unanswered questions. 

I feel so lost in this maze, this place I’m expected to navigate but have never been to.  I keep telling myself that there is a way out–somewhere away from this labyrinth of suffering.   

Happy January–the most desolate, depressing month of the year.

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20 responses to this post.

  1. I’m right there with you – I think we are on cycle 29 also.

    People tell me all the time to pray – and I do – but its still hard.

    Hopefully we can get out of this maze togther.

    Reply

  2. I haven’t been at this game nearly as long as you, but I can understand where you are coming from. It is so frustrating and disheartening to feel like you are *fighting* your body to do something so simple and normal for other people. Some nights, when I’m lazing on the couch, avoiding chores, I think “See, its not so bad to not have a baby right now – I wouldn’t get as much lazy time!” and then I fail to ovulate *again* and I get so upset. Its hard to know how you truly feel when those emotions can change daily. I hope you are able to work out what getting out of the labyrinth means to you. (And yeah, January is always so depressing…)

    Reply

    • I have days like that where I feel lazy and tell myself being childless isn’t so bad. These thoughts usually surface early in the morning when I hate getting myself out of bed and wonder how on Earth I could be responsible for getting another person up and running at the same time. Of course, those emotions change several (hundred) times a day.

      Reply

  3. I wish we can burn down the maze …. I love this post, it really paints a picture of our journeys. Why can there not be magic spells or something??? Ok, I am being silly, I think I am just in a dark corner of the maze at the moment.

    Reply

  4. Posted by veetamia on January 19, 2012 at 11:35 am

    I’m on the same road as you. Be strong and don’t let your faith waver, and follow your heart. I’ve thought about giving up but the hope of having a baby comes back fighting! You’re not alone ♥

    Reply

  5. I should count, but I’m pretty sure we’re way over 29 cycles considering we stopped “preventing” in March 2008. Sad to say that I actually know this. But enough about me… 🙂 Sounds like we’re all on the “same-darned-road.” 2012 could be the year though, so keep staying hopeful (as difficult as it might be.)

    Reply

  6. Thank you for being so candid. I often wonder the same thing. It’s overwhelming when you think of it all it terms of cycles passed. I’m just starting to read via ICLW, but I will keep you in my thoughts.
    My blog can be found at:
    shes1namelian.blogspot.com

    Reply

  7. Here from ICLW! Oh my – could I have written the same words as you. I agree – sometimes I wonder if I really want a baby – or to just win this battle? I am definitely not the same person I was 2 years ago…but I suppose everyone changes in a course of 2 years? I’m just more angry, confused and bitter than others. Hope and faith have almost gone to the wayside.

    I can’t help but think that maybe the way out of the labyrinth will take some creative thinking and it wont be the obvious one I have been waiting for?

    Reply

    • I’ve always heard that it will happen when I least expect it, but I’m always expecting it. I still haven’t figured out if it is more draining to be angry and bitter or desolate and depressed. Good luck to you in your labyrinth.

      Reply

  8. […] we have, #32, The Stork Diaries. In her newest post, The Labyrinth, she is discussing the timing, the questions, and the fears we may all think about from time to […]

    Reply

  9. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. 29 cycles is A LOT of cycles….and a LOT of disappointment. I’m pregnant now (after about 60 cycles plus or minus), but I asked myself many times if I was able to go on or I just needed all the suffering to stop. Stopping was something that really scared me…admitting that I may never have a child, or at least, not the way I wanted it in my dreams. And I guess this is easy for me to say now that I am pregnant but it was really true–last summer when we got the BFP that led to these babies, I was about ready to be done. No more money or emotional reserves for a fresh IVF cycle, that’s for sure. And there was a lot of peace with the decision, whereas before, earlier in the process, thinking about being done brought so much pain. I guess what I’m saying is for me, when I was getting to the end of what we were willing to try it felt OK. Not good but OK.
    Regardless, it sucks HUGELY to be stuck in the labyrinth. Praying that your time is coming soon and sending lots of hugs your way…

    Reply

  10. Here from ICLW – I only recently started TTC my second, but I remember going through those feelings when trying for #1. I wondered whether I just wanted to succeed at something I’d been failing at for so long, or whether I really did want to be a mom. And now, as I start TTC #2, every month it gets harder (we’re only on Cycle 6). But at least now I’m relatively sure that I do want to be a mom, and I do want a second child. So I understand how you feel, and I hope you can be a mom soon!

    Reply

  11. I have felt exactly like this. Especially today. Another person told me they’re pregnant. Their second and all I could think was “why does this happen to everyone else?” I want to say I’m done. I want the lies that I tell people to be true – that I’m too busy and don’t want children yet. If you ever figure out how to “stop expecting it”, let me know 🙂 x

    Reply

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