Shiny Happy Pap Smears

It’s that time of year again : the dreaded pap smear!  Make me spread myself in stirrups, feel up my boobs, scrape me in a place I can’t see–that doesn’t bother me.  Make me walk in a roomful of pregnant fertiles–my heart travels to my throat and my stomach drops!

Even if I can bribe someone to walk me in blindfolded, I will still be feeling a host of emotions when I go.  It was at last year’s annual exam, that I spoke to my ob/gyn about my difficulties getting pregnant.   Well fast-forward one year and many ultrasounds later and I’m empty-handed and brokenhearted.  Guess what I’m going to be thinking about during my pelvic examination? Let’s hope that my river-crying breakdown/screaming fit with my husband/pets, let it-all-out while driving in heavy traffic episode of the month doesn’t correlate with this appointment.

As much as I don’t want to make this appointment, part of me actually wants to visit my ob-gyn again.  Why?  Read below:

1)  My ob-gyn is friendly and empathetic.  She makes conversation while she’s fondling my boobs, which certainly makes the situation less awkward for both of us.

2) The receptionist smiles (even if it is a fake grin) and says hello.

3) Everything is so shiny, bright, and white. (kind of like a negative pregnancy test–just kidding)

4) The examination room is  girly and cozy.  There are pictures of cool shoes like wedge sandals on the wall and photos of bubbly, happy, blonde babies.  The stirrups even have warm footies (usually in purple or hot pink) on them and you get a full-length cloth gown to cover up. 

Do you see why I’m sold?

Here is a breakdown of my RE’s office:

1) The receptionist (to her credit is polite and friendly), but I feel taken aback every time she slams that glass window shut after I hand her my paperwork.

2) Nurse Stiletto (more on her in another post) is super-organized and knowledgeable, but yet, she is still Nurse Stiletto (sigh)

3) Mr. RE is a nice-enough fellow, knows his stuff, and I sincerely believe does not want to merely take my money.  He answers my questions, but sometimes I need a little more support than just a pat on the back on the way out.  (Yes, he really pats my back.  I guess this is his way of being comforting?) 

4)  The examination room is, well, private, but seems a little dark and yellow.  Instead of a full-length gown, patients are given this half paper-towel gown to cover themselves from the waist down.  I can’t tell you the number of times I have waddled frantically from the bathroom to the exam area, paper clutched around waist, hoping against hope that I make  it to the exam table before the RE walks in.  I mean, he sees my vagina.  Can’t I at least keep the image of my butt sacred?!

I am ready for the shiny and the bright–permanently!  I want girly at all my doctor visits!  I want a transvaginal ultrasound where I see a baby in my uterus!   I want one of those beautiful, blonde babies in the photographs on the wall (ok, maybe not those, per se; they are the ob-gyn’s children and it wouldn’t be nice to kidnap them).  I just want happy.  Is that so wrong?

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13 responses to this post.

  1. Ah, the annual gauntlet of fertiles at the OBGYN. The first time I read of someone else dreading their pap exam I felt so validated! I’m glad that you find many aspects of your OBGYN’s office enjoyable, despite all the baby bumps.

    Reply

  2. Just a fun side note on PAPs. Mine told me this year now that I am over 30 I only need a PAP every other year.

    Good luck at the OB!

    Happy ICLW!

    Reply

  3. I hate the OBGYN’s office. Makes me feel so glum especially since I often see teenage mothers in there (really? them?). Glad your experience is a bit better. It WOULD be nice to be able to walk in there and feel like a normal fertile person.

    Reply

  4. My new Dr found out I’m due for a pap smear so last time I went in he said ‘guess what your getting today?’ – then proceeded with ‘it will be a pap smear like no other, as I’m from New Zealand’ – I was very worried, but all he did was get me to lie on my side with my legs together and bent like I was sitting. It was actually the least uncomfortable pap smear I ever had – and I also didn’t have to look the guy in the face and make small talk as he had his hand busy.

    Reply

  5. Good luck! Glad you get to see someone you feel comfortable with. Oh the days when we can say bye bye to the RE!

    Reply

  6. I just found your blog through ICLW! You CRACK me up! =) I love your previous post about the FB statuses. I seriously waiver on deactivating my account sometimes!

    At my first RE, they had actual sheets to cover up with! It was nice to walk to the ultrasound table with my “toga” outfit. At my current RE, they only have the paper sheets. =( I too am always terrified of the door opening and my vag is hanging out. Can we have any dignity?? Is it too much to ask for some nice cotton sheets?!?

    Love the blog!! =)

    Reply

  7. Sounds like my RE’s office! His decor is seriously from the early 1990s and very drab!! There is an OB’s office in town that has a disco ball and pink sparkly tile. Apparently it’s very cute inside.

    And, I HATE those paper sheets! Our local RE who has cheap rates has cloth ones, but my expensive out of town RE has the paper ones. UGH. Spend the money where it matters ;).

    Reply

  8. Omg, I hate the paper sheet things. How on earth are you supposed to keep them from ripping when you scootch around on the table and try to cover your butt? And my worst fear at any appointment with my GYN is that she will be running late and I will be left with the wolves, I mean preggos, for a long time.

    ICLW #103

    Reply

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