Cycle Day Something

Ask me what I’ve been doing lately.  No scratch that.  Ask me what I haven’t been doing. 

I am proud to say I haven’t:

  • visited Mr. RE for any ultrasounds/blood work/haughty conversations with Nurse Stilletto
  • missed any work due to reproductive issues
  • swallowed a fertility pill or injected myself with a needle.
  • suffered any super-mega-major episodes due to said pills and needles.
  • spent any money on anything fertility related
  • had timed intercourse in the hopes of catching an elusive egg
  • peed on an OPK stick (aka Often Partially Kidding Stick)
  • obsessed endlessly about fertility and which cycle day it is

However, I have:

  • Stopped worrying whether I am having implantation cramps and gone back to the gym already.
  • Taken the time to appreciate what I have.
  • Felt happier than I have in a long time
  • Stopped entertaining thoughts of infertility
  • Stopped replaying the inconsiderate words of rude fertiles
  • Just tried to get on with my life

.

I didn’t seek medical treatment this month mainly for financial reasons–the money (even with decent insurance coverage) just isn’t there.  But I’m ok with that because I feel like this huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders, if only for a month.  I can’t begin to tell you how it feels not to have to drive myself to the doctor, not to request time off from work, not worrying if I had sex at the “right time”.

It takes courage to sit back and do nothing because I have always been the type to feel like I had to be doing something, anything to reach my goal.  To simply throw my hands up in the air is not me, but it sure feels good.  The way I see it, the plans I make, at least according to this area in my life, simply do not give me the result I want, so why make any? 

It feels good just to live my life.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same person I was before all of this, but I know that I want to live. 

I want to be free. 

For now, maybe just now, I don’t have to worry about how this cycle will end.  I just wish it didn’t have to.

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22 responses to this post.

  1. Sometimes I wish I could just do that and be done with it. I’m just afraid of not trying since I turn 34 this year and in my mind, another month of not trying, means another month closer to 35. The dreaded year. It’s clearly irrational, but I think about it.

    With that said, when I sense that the cycle is going to be a failure, I allow myself coffee, some candy, maybe an occasional drink, soda, cupcakes etc. I even workout a little harder… 🙂 Good luck with the next cycle.

    Reply

  2. That must feel amazing. Good for you!

    Reply

  3. LOVE IT! Soooo proud of you and happy for you!!!! It is VERY freeing and I’m glad you are relishing it. Thank you for sharing!!! To learn to live…that is something that can take many a lifetime to accomplish, if ever.

    Reply

  4. I’m happy to hear this! I know it wasn’t easy but I bet you’re enjoying it now! Hope you keep enjoying it!! 🙂

    Reply

  5. I felt really good when I took a break too. Its so easy to get sucked into the IF whirlpool and you forget that there is life outside the doctor’s office. I’m glad you’ve taken the time to recharge your battery and I hope when you get back into treatments you can keep up the positive momentum! 🙂

    Reply

  6. I love this post! I have been on a very similar journey, and I believe learning VERY similar things to you (about letting go, flowing, etc). And we actually just yesterday got a surprise natural BFP on an “off” cycle- it CAN happen!!! Sending lots of baby dust your way.

    Reply

  7. Good for you! I wish that I could do the same thing. Your post is very inspiring!

    Reply

  8. I’m so glad to read this post! I’ve been throwing around the idea of taking a break if my current FET cycle is a bust – it goes so against my general approach of doing everything I can, as quickly as I can. But I agree that it takes real courage, which I may or may not have, to just sit back for awhile and DO NOTHING. It sure sounds heavenly though…

    Reply

  9. Posted by Lindsay on March 22, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    Just dropping in from ICLW and this post really hits home for me. These past 16 months I have allows IF to run my life, and as much as I hate it I just can’t seem to break the cycle. I know it is time to force myself to live again, but sometimes it is so hard!! Thanks for sharing your great post, it gives me something to work on:)

    Reply

  10. Posted by storkchaser on March 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    wow. you’re my HERO!!!! after this cycle, I have a strong hunch I’ll be right there with you! and even though Hubster and I want to start our family NOW, I already know the freedom with taking a break will feel amazing. if that’s what’s in store for me, I’m more excited now than worried. thanks for that. good luck to you and I look forward to reading about your journey!

    Reply

  11. I am getting to that point too! May happiness follow wherever you end up!

    Reply

  12. It’s amazing how liberating it is when you take a month off of everything. It is so amazing how quickly you can fall into a routine of being happy and normal again. I hope the happiness carries on for you whether you cycle or not!

    ICLW #61

    Reply

  13. Good for you for taking the time off and ENJOYING it!!! When I returned to the gym and ran to my heart’s content, it felt SO good. I long for the day when I am no longer worrying about cycle days or ovulation or timed sex.

    I hope this “off” cycle does wonders for you!

    ICLW #47

    Reply

  14. I took off 2 months before IVF #1 and 6 weeks before IVF#2 and never regretted a moment of it. Sometimes a break is the best med. 🙂

    Reply

  15. I just wanted to say thanks for stopping by my blog today. 🙂

    I’m kind of in a similar boat as you these next few months as I await (and can afford IVF #2). I’m working out and having fun again. I feel so worry free. I still feel obligated to check my BBT, and I broke down and bought ovulation sticks at Target. UGH! I wish I could just let it ALL go like you. It sounds like you are having a wonderful month. Bravo!

    Reply

  16. […] ago I was celebrating a break from TTC–no OPK’s, no scheduled sex, and most importantly no doctor visits.  Well, that break […]

    Reply

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