A Barren Woman

Human oocyte with surrounding granulosa cells

Human oocyte with surrounding granulosa cells (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I used to think that faith could move mountains.  I thought that the hope in my heart could make my dreams come true, even lead to miracles.   I even had a knack, I suspect, for giving others hope as well.

I’ve learned I need to be a realistic person who sees the evidence in front of her. 

33 cycles.  2 years and three months time.  Months of timed intercourse, endless rounds of oral medications, 3 failed IUI’s (2 with injectables).  No pregnancy.  Not even close.

I honestly thought God was going to give me a child.  I believed.  I felt like he was leading me to where I needed to be all this time, but now reality has slapped me in the face. 

I have God’s answer.  He has already told me no 33 times.  Not once, not twice, not even 10.  33.  I am nothing but a fool for holding on all this time. 

When I took a pregnancy test last night and it came out negative, I knew it was all over.  We just completed our 3rd IUI.  Everything was perfect.  I had more follicles than I ever had before.  I could feel literally feel myself ovulating at the time of the procedure.  The sperm count was excellent and the cost of the procedure was less than I had spent on the previous two.  I spent the whole month knowing, just knowing, that everything was going to work.

I am not merely grieving over another failed cycle.  I am grieving because I realize that hope is nothing more than my own fabrication.  It only exists because I created it.  A flower does not bloom because I am about to create new life, a flower blooms because it simply does.  I see the word “hope” plastered on pages and picture frames not because God is trying to tell me that I am going to have a child but because those images exist in those locations.

So here I am, dried up and barren with no reason to believe I’ll ever hold my own baby in my arms.  It’s not going to happen naturally (burned that bridge a long time ago) and it’s not going to happen divinely (God says no 33 times for a reason; it just took me a very long time to realize this) and medically, we don’t have many realistic options left.  It will take me years to save up for an IVF and that offers no guarantee.  Adoption?  There is no money and there is no insurance that covers even a fraction of the cost.

I don’t mean to be pessimistic; I am only trying to see things for how they are: bleak.  The absolute worst part is that there is no biological reason I can’t have a child.  No, I lied. The worst part is that I failed my children and simply could not bring them into the world, that is if they even existed at all.

I can handle disappoints in life, but this?  This takes everything I am on the inside and rips it to shreds. 

So, the question is: how do you live in a world where you know that you will have no children but still will witness others have baby after baby?  I guess that is both a rhetorical and actual question.  Unfortunately, I have no answer.

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32 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by queenelizabethi on May 16, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    My heart aches for you. So very sorry. I have no answers either, and not much in the way of comforting words. Thinking of you.

    Reply

  2. I wish I had an answer for you. I desperately do. My heart is breaking for you and I wish there was something I could say to take the pain away. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts. Xoxo

    Reply

  3. My heart breaks for you reading this post. Only because I know the feeling so well. How can two people who love each other more than anything not be able to create a child together and how foolish you feel for thinking things are going to be different this time?

    All I can say is that you have to keep persevering. 6 IVF tries for a supposedly perfect IVF candidate.

    I had to keep asking questions WHY? Why me? And researching and never accepting the negative.

    I strongly believe in NK cells and to me, if you are having these unexplained issues then ask to be tested. You may be surprised and it may shed light.

    The journey is far from over but it will take all of your will power to keep going. And I believe you have it, you do.

    The only way I got out of the purgatory was to get pregnant and I fear, that unless you are happy with a child free life it will be the same.

    But don’t ever give up because I am proof positive that eventually the baby will stick. It will.

    Sending you lots of love and support.

    chon (formerly path to insanity) xxx

    Reply

  4. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I wish I could say something to make it better. All I can tell you is that you’re not alone, and I’ll be thinking of you. Sending you hugs.

    Reply

  5. I’m in the same place for very similar reasons. I know how painful it is, and I am so sorry. You are not a fool for hoping and trying. This is a big blow, and you need to give yourself time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

  6. I’m am SO sorry. It’s so unfair. …and the answers to your questions are not easy…and I really don’t even begin to know what they are. I have thought of those same things so many times myself. The answers seem empty, full of loss and it’s so hard to imagine ever finding fulfillment apart from children. I have so desperately tried to cling to hope as well…but I know exactly what you mean…at the end of the day, it seems as if it is something we produce within ourselves to try to help ourselves keep moving forward, get up everyday, keep trying. Sending you big HUGS!

    Reply

  7. I came across your blog by accident, but I had to post a response…I am so, so sorry. I feel for you. I ache for you! As with the others, I know there is nothing I can say to ease the hurt, no answers to give, but please know that I’m thinking of you and praying for you, for peace and comfort as you go forth.

    Reply

  8. Oh lady, how my heart breaks for you. 33 times is so many times. I know that there is nothing that I can say to make you feel better, but know that I am here and I know what you are going through. It’s painful, it’s unfair. It’s bullshit. I will be thinking of you. Hugs….

    Reply

  9. I am so sorry for this failed cycle. I also wanted to say that your description of hope was right on with what I am feeling. It’s made up and seems only to lead towards more disappointment. Thinking of you.

    Reply

  10. Here from ICLW. I don’t even know you, but I can relate to this post so much it is almost like I wrote it. I wish I had some magic words for you. All I can say is I am here too. My faith is shaken, hope seems false, and I just don’t understand why God will not give me what I long for. If it is not for us to have, why does He let us ache for it so? Right now I am on a break, and doing nothing is harder than anything we have done. I am trying to focus on my blessings, but I’m just so broken right now. Peace.

    Reply

  11. Stopping in from ICLW #80. I’m so sorry hun. I’ve felt that way many times, too. Although, we have conceived, it never sticks. It’s so hard to keep going when you’re thwarted at every turn. I hope and pray you are successful very soon! Hugs!

    Reply

  12. Hi from ICLW: what a post. So much sadness, but you have to know that this is not the end. It’s just the end of this path and another one will make itself known. I know this sounds like crap, but focus on what you can control and try to go with those things that you cannot. Be good to yourself. Surround yourself with those you love. Remind yourself that life (outside of all this infertility BS) is good. A big hug.

    Reply

  13. Posted by Sarah on May 21, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    What a heart wrenching story… I can not even imagine what you are feeling… There will be no words of comfort but I will pray for you…

    Reply

  14. Found you via ICLW and I am so sorry you are at this point. The fact that there isn’t a clear reason has to be absolutely maddening. Your post is so sad, but I’m sure it resonates with lots of readers. It isn’t fair. It sucks. You don’t deserve this. 😦 I wish I had more words of encouragement or wisdom to offer, but there’s not much anyone can say that makes this feel better. Hugs to you, for sure!

    Reply

  15. Oh honey, I am so damned sorry and, truly, my heart is breaking for you. Don’t give up…maybe just take a step back. I chose to believe God isn’t telling you no. He;s saying not right now or maybe even not this way. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    ICLW #65

    Reply

  16. “I have God’s answer. He has already told me no 33 times. Not once, not twice, not even 10. 33. I am nothing but a fool for holding on all this time.” – really resonated with me. That’s how I feel and yet I crazily still hope. Maybe I’m scared of losing hope because with that I’ll face loss of faith in God.. and that would just leave me bitter.

    Reply

  17. I haven’t had any treatments yet (seeing a doctor soon to discuss it – not sure what I want), but after almost three years of “naturally” trying, I too, think that it’s just not going to happen and I think it’s the hardest part – how do you stop wanting something? I don’t think that anyone has the right words, but perhaps knowing someone else feels the same can help? P x

    Reply

  18. I so get this sadness. I was feeling this way for over a decade. I would put on a happy face for my blog, and be other people’s best cheerleader. But, at the end of the day, I was in the place that you are in right now. It’s a very lonely place to be. There are so many options that SHOULD work, are SUPPOSED to work, that do indeed work for other people. My golden ticket was embryo adoption. Except that that didn’t work either. When I was in the place that you are in, I wrote the following post. The only comfort I can give you is to let you know that it feels terribly lonely where you are, there are others who can sadly say that they know how you feel and mean it with tears in their eyes.
    http://funnylittlepollywogs.com/?p=626

    Reply

  19. Posted by K on May 25, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    My heart aches for you. Infertility is a thief. A soul sucking thief.

    Reply

  20. My heart is broken for you. I am also struggling with God’s answer being ‘No’ or ‘Not yet’. I’m sorry that infertility has robbed you of your hope. I’m sorry that you have to be realistic – ignorance is bliss sometimes in these cases.
    Wishing you the best.

    Reply

  21. I try to think of it as God pointing you in a different direction. If the other directions dont work… look for me on CNN, going ape shit! Email me, klbrodowski(at)gmail.com.

    Reply

  22. Spoken from one who had her heart smashed to smithereens….winter never fails to turn to spring. Sometimes prayers take longer to be answered than you think they should.

    Reply

  23. Posted by Elizabeth on July 6, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    God cares and loves you. Keep hoping and praying and He wil be faithful in His own time.

    Reply

  24. Posted by Still Tryin on August 26, 2012 at 11:27 am

    I read your words and feel the same way with 1 addition. After 3 years of trying I want to stop but the I am stricken with the fear that the month AFTER I stop would have been the cycle and I gave up too soon.

    Reply

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