It’s Getting Hot in Here

In the summertime, some places get warm, some hot, some humid.  Here it gets steamy.  Yes, I do think you could fry an egg on the pavement if you tried.

Actually, the last couple of days have reached high temperatures 105 degrees and higher, a few degrees more than what meteorologists were predicting.  Keep in mind that for most of the year, I am cooped up in a chilly room at work, so when summertime comes around, my mood changes for the better.  Typically, summertime temperatures are around 95 degrees and while it is uncomfortable at times, I can deal with it.  However, the last three days I’ve spent inside mostly napping and being irritable. It’s unbearable to walk outside and its hard to get anything accomplished inside without breaking a major sweat.  The house is something of a wreck–any time I get up to clean something I just want to sleep.

But the tide is turning.  I feel slightly better today and I also feel somewhat better in that one of area of my life that I cannot shut up about.

The visit to the RE the other day was better than I thought.  No tears.  No running out the door crying.  It’s funny–the first part of the conversation was almost exactly word-for-word what I thought it would be.  The bottom line is that Mr. RE says that I “definitely qualify” for IVF at this point and he briefly talked about costs and insurance.  He also said that we could do another IUI if we choose, changing up the protocol quite a bit.

I feel good because I actually got to talk to the doctor for an extended period of time and ask every question I could think of.   Despite having mature follicles, is it possible that the eggs are just not dropping?  It’s possible.  Is the timing of the IUI perfect?  It’s not an exact science.  What were the chances of it working anyway? About 20%.

Despite months of frustration, I respect this man.  He’s been doing this a long time, so he has seen quite a bit.  I think there is something to be said for experience.  He doesn’t express a lot of  feeling, but he did acknowledge that any type of procedure, particularly IUI and IVF, are emotional experiences for those involved.  Though he thinks IVF is necessary for some, he thinks that it is pushed too much by doctors in the US.

Do I need IVF?  It’s possible, but not a given.  The one thing I took from my visit was that despite reproductive medicine/technology being a science, none of it is 100% certain.  Sometimes things almost guaranteed to work fail and at other times those that offer little hope prevail.  I finally accept the fact that we don’t have all the answers. We just do the best with what we have in front of us and pray.

I have ordered and received my medicines for my 4th and final IUI.  We decided on one last IUI because 1) The doctor said that it could still work with some changes in protocol 2) We feel like anything is still possible 3) I won’t have the added stress of working right now 4) It is what we can scrape up the money for at the present moment.

If this IUI does not work, we will begin the journey to IVF, possibly being performed in late spring or early summer of 2013, if we have the funds to do so.

So for now, I just need to find some sort of peace.  Not think about statistics, not worry about what-ifs, not worry about any day, except the present one.  I need to learn to let this go, let it be a small part of my life instead of the driving force that it has been.  For so long, I’ve let harmful thought patterns invade my existence.  I’ve lived, breathed and slept infertility.  I’ve let hours go by where I’ve stayed glued to the internet and, yes, even blogging, blindly accepting the detrimental aftermath being brought into my life.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that I could get pregnant.  Maybe I did so because I tend to think the worst or maybe I did so because nothing seemed to work for me.  I thought that I would automatically be excluded, despite what I did.  Now, I need to start believing that I can have a child whether that is through IVF, IUI, or even naturally.  I need to see that child out in the universe and believe that God will bring her to me.

If you pray, please pray for me that I can find my place of serenity.  You all are always on my mind and in my heart.


13 responses to this post.

  1. Glad that your WTF appointment went better than you hoped for! Hope the same goes for your upcoming IUI – the best of luck for that!

    As for those 105 degrees? Phew, I’m sweating even reading about this. We had a heat wave for the past couple of days with max temps at about 95-98 degrees, and that was pretty bad. Hope it’ll cool down soon and there won’t be any bad storms as the weather changes!


    • Thanks! I’m learning the best time of day to get something done is definitely in the morning! Just tried to get some stuff done and the sweat is rolling down my back


  2. Wishing you only the best with the new IUI protocol! I also hope it cools down for you a bit! That is way too hot!


  3. I feel your pain with the heat. I don’t know where you’re at but we left sunny FL this week and are visiting family in north Georgia, and have been feeling the heat they keep talking about in Atlanta. The poor Braves are playing in 110 degree heat!
    But anyway, I’m sorry you’re feeling so yucky about all this. You are definitely in my prayers.


  4. The hot weather is a good excuse to eat ice cream. Or, at least, that’s the excuse I’ve been using.

    Best of luck on this IUI. I hope the new protocol works for you guys.


  5. I’m praying! So happy to hear you’ve had a shift in your thinking and perspective and that you seem to be moving forward with renewed hope. Stay cool! 🙂


  6. I am SO sorry about the heat there. Honestly, I wish you could send a little my way. It has been overcast, rainy and in the 60s here forever…I am SO ready for summer. Anyway, I can really relate to your post! Every last bit of it. You have been on my heart since your last post about reaching the end of your rope…I think that one was a little over a month or so ago. Since then, my husband and I have been praying for you guys…our hearts are with you. I am SO happy for you and for your desire to get to your “peaceful” place. It is SOOO hard to do so…an entirely different battle…but so good. I also commend your strength to get back up and keep walking this infertility journey and wish you ALL the BEST as you pursue this upcoming IUI! We will be praying for you! Sending you HUGE hugs and best wishes to beat the heat!


  7. You got it, sister – prayers are on their way! I hope that you can find that healthy balance between hope and reality. Once I figured out how to let go of trying to control a situation I had *zero* control over, I felt a *lot* better. And who knows, this last IUI could be all you need!


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