Where Do Babies Come From?

Seriously, I want to know.

I once heard this ridiculous rumor that a man and woman have intercourse and a child is conceived.

Really?

Dream on!

Despite giving it our best efforts, things didn’t turn out the way I had hoped (I hate that word).  I had my 4th and final IUI about two weeks ago.  The procedure went really well actually.  I was very happy that the IUI was on a Saturday which meant my husband was there.  I was also pleased that the RE, not the weekend nurse, performed the procedure.  My husband’s sperm count was also great.

For some reason, the RE said that I had a good shot this time.  I guess I misunderstood.  He obviously meant I had a good shot at it not working.

I don’t regret doing this IUI.  I don’t regret the money spent or the time invested.  However, I do regret having hope (there’s that word again).  Originally, I planned to go into this with a “This is a last-ditch effort, so don’t you dare get your hopes up or even think about it afterwards” attitude.  Well, I turned my back for one minute and hope took off like an airplane leaving the runway.  I wanted to retain some sort of control but once again I am reminded that I have no control.

Let me tell you, my body should win an Emmy for Lead Role in Showing Absolutely No PMS Symptoms.  Usually, I know when my period is going to arrive: mild cramps, upset stomach, acne from hell, and the appearance of melancholic, yet vitriolic emotions.  I had none of those.  I guess I psychosomatically erased them or something.   To make matters worse, when my period did start (which started off rather black-looking for some reason) I rationalized it away.  How dumb can I be?  A period is a period  no matter what color it looks like or how many cramps you do or do not have.

I wanted this.  Badly.  I let myself hope for it and once again hope has made me a fool.

I should know better.  If 3 IUI’s aren’t going to work, what on Earth made me think, for even one minute, a 4th one would?  Maybe for someone else, but not this girl.  This is me we are talking about.

If I’m being perfectly honest, my dreams haven’t been coming true for a while now.  Time seems to be standing perfectly still and flying at the same time.  My personal life (meaning establishing a family) and my work life (which is another post for another time)–I keep waiting for things to change and they don’t.  I just don’t have much to look forward to anymore.

I’m sorry.  I do not get it.  I have ovaries.  I have tubes.  I have a uterus.  My ovaries have eggs.   My tubes are clear.  My uterus is intact.  I’m not making this stuff up.

I have long since accepted the fact that there are no easy answers, but what do you do when there are no answers at all?  I can’t help it.  I have to have something.  I have to have a reason.  I have to have something instead of an indifferent universe. I can’t just sit in a corner and pretend that everything is just wonderful when it is not.

Sorry this is such a miserable post.  If I can get these words down, they have less power over me.  Then maybe, just maybe, I may gain an ounce of control in this world.

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27 responses to this post.

  1. Oh sweetie, I’m sorry. I understand so well this post brought me to tears. And I, too, can keep hope alive with my period flowing. It sucks and I’m sorry you have to go through this too. It will happen for you though. I know it. Xoxo

    Reply

  2. I am so sorry this cycle was a bust, and I want you to know that I am thinking of you. Not to mention, I feel your same frustrations, and they are quite similar. I’ve got clear tubes, etc., everything is fine. Except it’s not. Hang in there.

    Reply

  3. I’m so sorry. I absolutely understand the feeling of standing still, and I hope you can find a way to move forward. Sorry to use that word again. I know she’s a total bitch sometimes.

    Reply

  4. Oh, I’m so sorry. I feel for you. I really do. This totally sucks and it’s no wonder you’re feeling miserable. I do know what that’s like too well. Wishing you strength and peace. ~ hugs ~

    Reply

  5. I wish there was something I could say or do to help. Its so horrible that we have to feel like this and I totally understand what you mean. Its horrible and unfair!Take it one day at a time and you will feel better eventually,its just going to take a while.Stay strong!

    Reply

  6. I’m praying hard for you to get your answer. So sorry you are going through this place right now… It is a living hell, and it hurts worse than anything. It’s ok to spit on the H word, especially after another huge letdown. But I’m not giving up on the word completely… for your sake.

    Reply

  7. I’m so sorry this month did not happen as you had planned (not gonna use your hated word). It is so frustrating when you don’t understand WHY your body is failing to conceive. Its okay to be mad and upset at this time, take the time you need.

    Reply

  8. I’m so sorry the 4th time was not the charm. I wish I didn’t know how you feel, but I do. Babies and pregnancy are things that happen to *other* people, not us, or so it seems. And I get what you mean about life standing still and flying by at the same time. Between not getting pregnant and my DH not finding a job, we are stuck just biding our time, waiting for our life to get started as it slowly slips by us. Not a fun place to be in. So, do you have a next step in mind or are you taking a TTC break?

    Reply

  9. Posted by Amy on July 30, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    I just came across your blog. Thank you! Thank you for saying so many things that I feel everyday. I also really appreciate your post about FF. Go sware every morning that I am going to stay off the site. I post my temp then I’m on at least 5 or 6 more times. I second guess everything now. I have been ttc for 3 years. I just had my progesterone tested, it was normal. I am making my first appointment with a fertility specialist tomorrow.
    I’m looking forward to following your posts and reading some of the old ones.

    One question though, through all of this, why haven’t you looked into adoption? I’m beginning to think that maybe our only option to have a new baby. Even if it isn’t the way I wanted to do it.

    Thanks again!

    Reply

    • I don’t miss charting with FF or any of the little gadets that gave me points for ovulating or having this symptom or that one. I just miss connecting with others who weren’t bloggers. As for adoption, it is not something that I’ve really looked into. I guess I’ve been discouraged by how difficult and impossible that path seems. In theory, it seems like a good idea, but I’m not sure how I’d ever get there.

      Reply

  10. “I have long since accepted the fact that there are no easy answers, but what do you do when there are no answers at all?” <—-you took the words right out of my mouth. Unfortunately for me, I know all too well how you feel. No matter how hard you try to ignore it, hope always manages to find a way to creep in. The good news is that soon enough you will begin to feel that hope again. It's quite the vicious cycle we're stuck in. Thinking of you.

    Reply

  11. Thinking about you!!!!! So frustrating! Even though you feel it, you’re not alone, we hear you and feel for you!

    Reply

  12. I’m so, so sorry! What a big disappointment! This whole IF thing is so full of unanswered questions and makes no sense/ 😦

    Reply

  13. I’ve just had my appointment about starting IUI soon and I keep trying to balance between positive and negative, so I’m going to “like” this post to remind me of not going too far in either direction. Any tips for an IUI-virgin? Sending you virtual hugs!

    Reply

    • The best tip I could offer is to pretend like it’s no big deal. Except, that’s easier said than done. No, the IUI procedure itself, the insemination, is actually very quick and less invasive than an ultrasound. Are you going to be doing injectables, too?

      Reply

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