You’re Infertile? Ok, Take My Dog

Wow–it’s been almost a month since I last posted.  I’ve wanted to.  I’ve also wanted to comment on more of your blogs but. . .

I just couldn’t.

Maybe because I’m bitter, maybe because I’m sad.  Maybe I am trying not to give infertility the dominant place it has in my life.  If I don’t talk about, if I don’t blog about it, maybe it won’t exist.  I’ve actually done a decent job of convincing myself of this the last couple of weeks.  It isn’t healing.  It isn’t strength.  It’s about denial and that’s the safest place for me right now.

Don’t get me wrong–I’ve endured endless FB pregnancies, real-life pregnancies (including my best friend) and have had babies rubbed in my face constantly.  I don’t fall to pieces.  I just feel detached.  Like none of it is real.  I suppose this is better than the alternative–emotional breakdowns and constant tears.  The only place I really cry is church when a baby is baptized.  That gets me every time.  It absolutely tears my heart to pieces.

Today, though, the sadness returned.  I talked to my best friend last night who is pregnant with number two.  She is one of the few people who knows about my trouble TTC.  We chatted a lot about work and her impending baby (impending baby–lol–I have no idea where that came from).  I know she means well and really has no idea the extent of the hell I’ve been living through, but did she really have to mention that this was an “oops baby” that was conceived because she was on antibiotics?  Did she really have to tell me that it must have all been part of God’s plan because it wasn’t something she had planned for herself?  I honestly love her with my whole heart, but after she put God into the equation, I felt like I had been stabbed.

In other news, my husband and I have had some canine and feline issues lately.  Not with our own animals.  Other people’s animals.  For the sake of loyalty, the identity of the people in question will remain anonymous.  To give you a quick back story, we have three animals: two small dogs and a cat whom we cherish, love, and spoil.   They are a handful at times, pee/poop on the carpet and do other insane things, but they are our world.   Recently, we found out that for reasons that I can’t go into, certain “people who we are very close to” are having issues with their own pets.  For some reason, these people thought it would be fitting for my husband and I to take in their dog and cat.  After all, we are childless.  We must be overly eager to  nearly double our pet population in our tiny town-home, right?  After throwing thousands of dollars down the drain on IUIs and medications, we surely must be rolling in the money to care for more animals, right?  If we gracefully decline the offer of a pet surely we must be cruel and selfish people, right?

God knows my husband and I love animals.  We can’t stand to see them mistreated or hurt.  But. . .why is it our responsibility to constantly pick up the slack of others?  Pets are blessings, but they are also commitments, just like, dare I say it, children.  You have to take the good with the bad.  Trying to guilt someone into taking the pet you no longer choose to care for is just plain wrong.  I used to let people guilt me into things.  All the time.  Over little things.  Over big things.  However, things changed somewhere between IUI#3 and IUI#4.  I learned I can’t save the world.  I just can’t.

We managed to get out of having to take the dog.  Strangely, it felt like an enormous victory for me.  I am so used to things not turning out right for me, I am shocked when something actually goes my way.  It feels 100% utterly amazing.  Like I have a sliver of control in what happens in my life.  Of course there is a lot more to this story (my husband actually committed us to the dog a few weeks before without my agreeing to it–boy, did he get in trouble with me for that one) and the verdict is still out on the cat.

And to end on an even crappier note, I just passed my 2 1/2 year mark of TTC.  Happy freakin’ anniversary!  Maybe I’ll celebrate by buying some Pre-Seed and ovulation test strips.

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23 responses to this post.

  1. Sorry you are going through a difficult time love. People will never understand how much little comments hurt until they have been in our situation. They just don’t think. But I am glad you stood up against taking the dog. You are right, you can’t save the world and you should not feel like you have to. Try to stay strong, I know that is easier said than done.

    Reply

  2. Oh, I’m so sorry! Infertility is the pits. No way around it. And unless someone has gone through it, they have NO idea. I’ve tried plenty of times/ways to try to get people to understand, but they just don’t. It’s SO frustrating when people bring God into it isn’t it?! AH! So confusing… :/

    Reply

  3. Posted by The Benda Family on August 24, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    Welcome back! If denial is where you need to be right now then so be it! Good for you for standing up and saying no. We all want to save the world at some point and then we learn that we need to take care of ourselves first. My thoughts are with you. x

    Reply

  4. Posted by Theresa on August 24, 2012 at 9:58 pm

    They seriously thought you’d want their pets bc you don’t have kids. Gah.

    Reply

  5. Posted by Roxxroxx on August 24, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    I’m so sorry you are going through such an awful time. It’s true that others who have never been infertile have no concept of what it’s like. I hope and pray that you get some good news before too much longer.

    Reply

  6. Good for you for standing up for yourself about the dog. One step forward… But I’m sorry all of this has to be so hard and that your bestie wasn’t nearly as sensitive as she should have been. No one who hasn’t been here can even begin to understand…my sister is teaching me that on a regular basis. I’m thinking of you. ~ hugs ~

    Reply

  7. Ask if you can swap the dog for an egg or two if they don’t have any spare kids lying around…maybe that will make them think twice. It could very well be worth it just for the laughs alone when you see the look on their faces.

    Reply

  8. Yay for control, even if it’s only a tiny bit. I think you’re handling this all very well. There are so many things I would like to say about the “god’s plan” comment, but I won’t because, like you, I know better and have enough self-control to bite my tongue.

    Reply

  9. What the heck is wrong with people? I don’t know why they have to throw God in the face of women who are struggling. At one point, I told hubby that the next time someone said something to me about “God’s timing” I would punch them in the face. It’s like telling a woman that not only does she not have a child, but her faith sucks too.

    I’m so sorry you are having a rough time. Infertility sucks. Glad you were able to stick up for yourself with the pets.

    Reply

  10. I am new here so and I really like your blog.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling low about things. It’s not easy.

    I don’t want to be judgemental but I am going to be judgemental. I seriously HATE IT when people get pets and don’t commit to them. Just because they don’t act like furniture does not mean we as their guardians can discard them. GRRRRRrrrrr. Makes me so mad.

    And you’re so right! Just because you don’t have kids (yet) does not mean you don’t have other things to do with your time than take care of other peoples pets.

    Getting off my soap box….

    Reply

  11. Hey you doing ok over there?

    Reply

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