Baby Bumps, Sonograms, and Pee Sticks, Oh My!

I subscribe to a lot of blogs and I actually read what I subscribe to.  Like many of you, I have found them to be a source of strength through tough times. One day, just a couple of days ago actually, I was scrolling through my reader and found a few pictures of baby bumps.  Interesting, I thought, that there were so many posted on the same day.  I scrolled a bit further and found some pee stick photos. Yep, all posted within 24 hours of the baby bumps.  Even more interesting I thought.  Right below those were posts that had links to ultrasound photos.  Same time frame.

That was the day I almost quit blogging.

For good.

Yes, I have positive feelings about your good news, but at the same time seeing a visual representation of it brings back all my feelings of despair. It’s funny.  People say that silence speaks a thousand words.  I guess they underestimated the power of a photo.

I’ve more or less been an infertile for the last 2+ years and have experienced the lowest of lows that come with that.  Not just feelings of inadequacy or frustration–sheer blown despair and devastation.   I know you have experienced these emotions, too. How do I know what you have experienced, you ask?  Am I psychic?  No. I read your posts.

Among what I have read in the past, one thing I remember clearly:  many (but, not all) of you said that it caused you a lot of discomfort seeing ultrasound and baby bump photos in your reader.  Some of you even implied that when you became pregnant, you would never post such a thing.

But, you have.

To be perfectly clear, this post is not directed at one single individual nor am I trying to come across as angry and accusing though I am afraid I am doing just that.  I just want to ask this:  Is it ok to post these types of photos in your reader, even if you know how it feels to be on the receiving end of them?  If the answer is yes, what makes it ok?

I think I know the answer to the second question.  When you suffer for so long and a miracle finally happens, you simply want to share the news.  You’re beaming, bursting with joy and relief.  The news is 100% share-worthy, at least according to me.  Pictures of your body through it’s various stages of pregnancy?  Not as much so.  I cannot articulate why this brings so much grief, just that it does.

I also think people post these photos to reassure themselves.  They need to see evidence that everything is going ok.  They need to see that what they are experiencing  is real.   Let’s face it.  In the land of IF, nothing is ever certain.  Clinging to whatever reassures you, seems to be acceptable.

But still. . .

What about to those of us still left in the trenches?  We are happy for your happiness, but we are still left in a place of suffering.  That same place of suffering that many of you once inhabited.

If I could say anything to newly pregnant bloggers it would be this: Don’t ignore us and don’t leave us behind.  Be considerate of us because you have walked our road and know what it feels like.  Think about it.  Just for a minute.  We are still here and we are still standing and yes, we are still reading your blogs.  Your circumstances have changed favorably while we are still waiting for ours.   Want to tell us you are pregnant? Go ahead.  Want to share what happened at your latest doctor appointment?  I’ll listen.  Can’t wait to share your ultrasound, baby bump, and pee sticks?  Go ahead, but please put them in another folder on your blog where they don’t show up in your reader’s feed.  If I’m given a choice whether or not to look at it, I may just surprise you and do so.

And, yes, I do speak from my own experiences and not anyone else’s. There is a good chance that maybe I’m just too sensitive and should be over all of this by now.  Maybe I automatically make the egotistical mistake that other people feel the same way I do. Besides, people are going to do what they are going to do. I can’t change it, but maybe I can persuade them to look at things from another perspective.

I do know this, though.  I don’t want to cut myself off from others by unsubscribing to a blog because someone makes me uncomfortable.  What kind of supporter would that make me?  A fair-weathered one, I suppose.  I guess, at the end of the day, like all days, I”m looking for a bit of understanding.  Aren’t we all?

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17 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by SM on November 6, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    Very good post! I hate in stop supporting or following bloggers once they get pregnant but all the recent baby talk has me feeling a little down. I am so incredibly happy for each and every one of those bloggers, but it still cuts deep. Especially now that I am at the end of trying with no BFP in the forseeable future and no chance of a baby for a while. I won’t stop reading just because of where I am in my journey, but a little understanding would also be nice.

    Reply

  2. I understand, I truly do. After my miscarriage I had a cull of blogs. I only did a pregnancy update every few weeks and my bump photos were all on another page so they wouldn’t show up on a reader. In a way I was almost relieved when my SIL found my old blog because I could move and start again and if people chose to follow my new blog they did it knowing I was a pregnant. These feelings are valid even now as a mother I get pissed when I see someone only post pregnancy memes as if they have forgotten.

    But as someone who is now on the other side I can tell you we never forget, ever. I still think about it and no matter how much I say I have moved on I totally haven’t. My AF has returned already and I am already counting days and checking ovulation signs it is so inbred.

    I think if it really makes you uncomfortable stop following for a while.its ok, you have to preserve your sanity and sense of self.

    And one day if it does happen and I do pray that it will your baby will make every day of that wait so worth it and your baby will be loved beyond belief.

    Reply

  3. Posted by The Benda Family on November 6, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    This is why I moved from WordPress to Blogger. I’m sorry honey. I know exactly how you are feeling, I’ve totally been there. Do what YOU need to do. x

    Reply

  4. This was very well said. I’m sorry you’ve been bombarded with painful images in your reader lately. Thanks for this honest reminder of what respectful IF blogging is all about.
    I am still praying that you will be creating that separate page for your own bump pics very soon.

    Reply

  5. Gosh. You know I was just thinking about this today, and actually is something that I think about often. I created this blog as an infertility and running blog but my intention was always to continue into motherhood should that ever happen.
    When we found out our IVF worked I wasn’t sure how to continue my blog. I’m still not. It took us 3 years to conceive and so I definitely don’t feel as though I belong in the “fertile camp”. I wonder should I create another folder? Should I leave things as is but use some kind of preface or warning? I am one who has posted a couple bump and sonogram pics but have always wondered if I am doing it in the best way. I absolutely know exactly how you feel – because it seemed like those damn bump pics and pee sticks always popped up on the worst damn days when I felt the crappiest, and I would think to myself how could the universe hate me this much?
    And now I’m doing it. The irony isn’t lost on me.
    At the time – I didn’t unfollow but glazed over many a pregnancy related post, and then went back and read them when I felt more up to it.
    I promise you that there is no forgetting where you’ve been. Heck I worry constantly about miscarriage and so am still not sure which side of the fence I fit on.
    I’m not even sure I’ve answered the question. I’m not really sure how to. I’m still trying to figure it out.

    Reply

  6. Yes! Well said! I totally agree. I’m VERY self conscious about posting too much about our son on fb and on our blog. But, our blog WAS meant to be our adoption blog, so when we did adopt him I felt like we should share. But, I still feel bad for those in the trenches. :/

    Reply

  7. You’re not alone in feeling this way. I’m so grateful to those bloggers who have created separate tabs or pages to post those kinds of things. I totally understand the need to post those things, but I agree it’s so, so important–in this community, especially–to be cognizant of who is reading along and how what you post might impact them. Because it often hurts to have that stuff just show up in your reader.

    Reply

  8. At first I did find pregnant women and associated material a trigger and can understand the grief and sometimes anger expressed towards the seemingly constant stream of them. I was talking to my Mum about how some loss/fertility community are hurt by others sharing their pregnancy/kids. She said she understood a little as her mother died when I was 1 and when she sees others saying negative things about their mothers she gets a little pang and wishes she could tell them how lucky they are to still have a Mum here. But does that stop others for saying what they feel? what about those who have lost a father, sister, brother? How much do we censor what we put on our page or our blog? After all it is our space and people do have a choice to follow or not.
    For me, I quickly realised it was the way I felt about what I never had/didn’t get to do thrown in with a good mix of how I took for granted my pregnancy and not revel in it. I changed my perspective on these triggers and instead saw them as proof that there is still good, positive happy endings. It is good to see people so joyous about their pregnancy and proud of their children that they must tell the world about every second.
    There are times when I turn some people off my newsfeed or choose not to read their blog because I can’t be with that part of their life. I did wonder if I should start a new blog when I became pregnant, but in the end went with the, its my page, people will continue to follow or they wont and thats ok. It is all a mix now of my happiness at having a baby to bring home and hold, and the grief I still have for my first daughter – and I think that’s ok.

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  9. You are 100% right in your feelings about it all. I have been wondering what to do with regards to “public forum” announcements,ie my blog and facebook and you have just given me the kick in the butt to remind me exactly how I felt when I saw others pics. I promise,from my side at least,no pics unless specifically asked for! I know the feeling all too well of wishing someone well while having your heart torn out and I would hate to be the one doing that to someone else.

    Reply

    • I was just thinking about this too and think I may keep updates on the main page but post a disclaimer (my blog is public and I have people on FB that read it too) but make another tab for pictures….

      Reply

      • Just the fact that you are thinking about this shows how much you truly care. I really hope I didn’t offend you with my post. You truly deserve your happiness and I wish the best for you.

  10. Although I get your pain because I have been in your shoes why would you ask your friends and yes I call them friends even if you haven’t met in the real world and only on cyberspace to not share the one joy they suffered with for so long. 2+ years for you. Imagine that day when your pee stick says PREGNANT?!!! You are going to want to scream it from the roof. Who will you turn to? Your blog and all the supporters and friends that have grieved with you over the past two years. Let yourself grieve that’s a part of this whole crazy infertile road we have traveled on . I hope I don’t offend you but only shed some light. We are all on the bumPy road together but when the bumpy road becomes and actual bumP in your belly I would expect you share it with all of us. Be hopeful. Inspire others… That’s what you have done. Don’t forget that. It’s ok to be disappointed. One day you will have that bump I just know it….until then look at all those bumps and know that there is HOpE it worked for them it WILL work for you. (hugs)

    Reply

  11. I guess here in the blogosphere and in reality I accept the ‘argh this is hard to see’ feeling when posts like that come up. It’s not jealousy or ill feelings. It’s just a reminder of how empty my womb is and that sadness can hit me. I cope by looking away and only catching up with pregnancy posts when I’m in the mood for it.

    Plus I really do think it’s ok to unfollow if you can’t cope because it’s like saying ‘I’ve walked this far with you, I’m happy for you and wish you well but I have to head down a different path now. Maybe see you later?’

    That said I still get my pom poms out for those who do make it to the other side because they still have nine months of worrying ahead of them.

    Reply

  12. […] The Stork Diaries – Baby bumps, sonograms and pee sticks – Oh My! […]

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