O Christmas Tree

English: A Christmas Tree at Home

Definitely not my Christmas Tree!

Decorating a Christmas tree is a tradition that goes back to my childhood.  I particularly remember these clear, plastic icicles I always put on the tree, no matter how old I got or how worn out they became.  I’m sure my mom thought they were the tackiest things ever, but she still encouraged me to put them up.  For me, they pulled the look of the tree together.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve decorated my own tree, minus any plastic icicles.  I don’t go overboard decorating and my tree doesn’t mirror anything you would see from Better Homes and Garden.  It is simply me.  My continuing of a tradition.

This year, I. . .

Wait–there is no tree.

For the life of me, I can’t bring myself to put one up. For the most part, I’ve barely noticed.  However, the last couple of days, something feels missing.

It’s hard to explain, but I don’t think I could look at a Christmas tree in my living room without feeling a profound sense of sorrow.  The baby that I carried, the one who was carried for such a short period of time, the baby that took me two and a half years to conceive, is not here.

This would have been right around the time I would have found out my baby’s gender.  My girl.  What I waited for, forever.  It’s a very hard thing for me to accept and I honestly try not to think about it.  I’m rarely successful, but I try.

There have been times over the last few months when I have felt like I have been crushed by the sheer weight of this grief and very much alone.  I’ve probably asked the why, why, why question so many times that God is sick of hearing it.  But, still, I can’t help it.  When you wait so long for your dream to come true and that dream is ripped right out of your hands–where is the logic in that?  There has to be some logic, doesn’t there?  There has to be some sense to the universe, right?

I hate to admit it, but for the most part, writing has made it worse.  So I haven’t been doing it.  Sometimes, writing is very liberating and healing.  At other times, it makes me relive what hurts the most.  So, I’m at a crossroads.

Part of me wants to hold on to something, I guess.  Maybe I will put up a tree, if only for the sake of the cat.  She loves playing around it and in it and I only pretend to be upset with her when I come home to find my ornaments on the floor.  She better watch out though or she may not get the kitty condo for Christmas!

I guess that’s what people do who have suffered a loss.  They try to hold on to what they know (like decorating a tree in plastic icicles), even if they are falling apart on the inside.  It’s funny– you never know  the type of burden a person is carrying by merely looking at them.  The best a person can do for one who is hurting is to simply be there for them and that can be a hard thing to do.   We can only try.

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9 responses to this post.

  1. “The best a person can do for one who is hurting is to simply be there for them and that can be a hard thing to do. We can only try.”
    You are so right. HUGS. The holidays can be so incredibly hard, and I never suffered the pain of a loss. I am so sorry 😦

    Reply

  2. The holidays seem to put a magnifying glass on what’s missing in our homes, in our lives. I’ve never been pregnant and never experienced that kind of loss, so I can only imagine how difficult it is for the calendar to constantly remind you of what should have been. All I can do is let you know I’m thinking of you and sending hugs.

    Reply

  3. Do you follow the “Creating a Family” blog? I do and appreciate SO MUCH of what she writes. When I read your post today I was reminded of what I read on there on Friday. I completely understand not wanting to put up a tree. Thinking of you… I’m so sorry you have been through so much pain this year. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be. http://www.creatingafamily.org/blog/infertility-fertility-trying-to-conceive-ivf-donor-egg/losing-baby-youre-pregnant/

    Reply

  4. The holidays are hard when struggling with infertility, and even more so after a loss. You’re not alone. It may feel like you are, but you’re not. I hope you can take some comfort in that. Hugs to you.

    Reply

  5. Holidays and should’ve been anniversaries at the same time. Ouch. It’s no wonder some of the holiday spirit seems to be missing. If putting up the tree makes the kitty happy and the familiar plastic icicles are remotely comforting to you, then, by all means, put it up!
    I’m thinking of you, now, as always, and hoping for a better year ahead for you guys.

    Reply

  6. A big Christmas hug for you xo

    Reply

  7. I felt the same sadness when putting up my tree and decorating it. Last Christmas I was so excited, full of hope.. this Christmas all I can think about is this feeling of emptiness. Another year over. I found it even harder when wrapping gifts I bought for the kids in my life. The cute little GAP clothes and the toys.

    I’ve never seen a positive pregnancy test so I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sorry for all this pain that we’re all going through in our different ways.

    Reply

  8. I totally get what you’re saying. I have a little gut that started getting thicker after my mc. I was just back and forth on exercise and totally forth on eating. I was in the gym a few weeks ago and I was looking at myself in the mirror and noticing my tummy sticking out in a way it doesn’t usually. It was noticeable, hehe. I thought: if I see it, I wonder what this little 22 yr old guy next to me thinks when he sees it? Then I got into a fake argument with him in my head saying: look, I know you’re 22 and know everything and feel like I am letting myself go but I am not. I just had a miscarriage in October and now I’m waiting to do IVF again and it’s the holidays and I’m emotional, so stop judging me because none of us knows what anyone else is really going through!

    Reply

  9. […] up on my blog reading and one of the last posts I read really resonated with me. It was over at The Stork Diaries. She was contemplating whether to put up her xmas tree after a miscarriage and feeling blah (no […]

    Reply

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