My Unhappy Ending

lost

Well, February was over before it started and so was pregnancy # 2!

Here is the rundown:

Monday, February 11: BFP!

Wednesday, February 13 : Beta #1 1900ish

Friday, February 15: Beta #2 5000

Saturday, February 16: Red-brown and brown blood spotting (Pretty much knew it was over)

Tuesday, February 19: More blood, ultrasound revealed large, irregularly shaped mass and a possible gestational sac; doctor suspects molar pregnancy; wait

Thursday, February 21: HCG levels normal and increasing, ultrasound revealed larger, but abnormally-shaped  gestational sac with possible fetal pole; doctor suspects mass is a very large blood clot and not a molar pregnancy; wait

Thursday, February 28:  HCG levels still normal and increasing but gestational sac shows no growth from previous week; wait

Monday, March 4: Despite rising HCG levels, ultrasound shows no additional gestational sac growth;  OFFICIALLY OVER; D & C scheduled

Tuesday, March 5: D & C performed.

The blood clot could have stopped the embryo from growing or it could have been another chromosomal abnormality.  I guess we’ll find out soon.

Like I said, all of these events took place within a few, short weeks but those days have consisted of sleepless nights, missed work, trips back and forth to the doctor, hopelessness, and terror.  Maybe I have no idea what pregnancy and expectancy are supposed to feel like, but I know for certain that it’s not supposed to feel like this.

I honestly do not go looking for trouble, but why does it always find me?

Right now, I’m just trying to survive physically and emotionally.  This D & C has been a lot harder on me than the previous one.  I fear the sight of blood and clotting.  I try to stay medicated just to stay sane.

Maybe my body is getting stronger, but my spirit is getting weaker.  I really have no words to describe how I feel emotionally:  numb?  scared?  broken?  I just don’t know.

I don’t think I miss this second baby (and I hate to say that) because I never got the chance to get attached.  Once I saw the blood that Saturday, I just figured it was all downhill from there.  I didn’t really get a clear picture on the ultrasound and the baby never had a heartbeat.  I guess I’m lucky that way–not seeing or knowing the baby.  Maybe it won’t hurt as much.

But it’s all a lie because I still miss my first baby.  Now more than ever.

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18 responses to this post.

  1. I’m so sorry! I know words probably don’t help much but please know you are in my thoughts. Sending you many hugs

    Reply

  2. I am so so sorry. *hugs* . Miscarriage is like a knife to the soul and nothing helps the pain. Do whatever it takes to survive these harsh days. Take care.

    Reply

  3. Oh, honeybun, my heart just breaks for you. I think you are very strong, lady.

    Reply

  4. I have no words. I’m just wish this pain wasn’t presented to you – to have it, to feel the hope and for it to be taken away.

    I know nothing I write will soothe you right now but I want you to know that I’m sending you lots of love. That I’m thinking of you and that I hope your miracle really does come soon.

    Rest up – ignore the world for a bit and heal. x

    Reply

  5. I’m really sorry… xo

    Reply

  6. Fuck. I’m so sorry 😦

    Reply

  7. Posted by SM on March 10, 2013 at 11:06 pm

    I’m so sorry, sweetie! Sending you love and light.

    Reply

  8. I’m so, so sorry. You don’t deserve this. Wishing you healing and peace.

    Reply

  9. This is devastating to hear.

    I’m incredibly sorry for you and your husband.

    Reply

  10. I am really sorry to hear this for you. I hope you can do your best to get some rest and take really good care of yourself this week.

    Reply

  11. I’m sorry for your losses.

    Reply

  12. I’m so sorry.

    Reply

  13. I’m thinking of you and praying for healing… Daily.

    Reply

  14. […] in my last post when I said that I didn’t really miss the baby that I just lost a few weeks […]

    Reply

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