My Mind Jumped the Track

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Missing in action much?

Yep, that’s me.

My last blog post was about two and a half months ago. I never intended to go that long without blogging but I’ve done so for two reasons. Number one, I have nothing new, fascinating, or otherwise engaging going on in the baby-making department. Number two, I think I had some sort of breakdown.

I guess it was gradually building since miscarriage #2, but it hit me full force around June. Over the last couple of months, I began to lose weight. At first, I thought it was kinda cool, because hey, who doesn’t want to lose a few pounds? Then, there was more and more weight loss until my clothes barely hung to my frame. It didn’t help matters that my periods were coming sooner and were much, much lighter. I also had very light brown, sporadic, discharge-like spotting several weeks after the D & C. My ob-gyn said I was fine, but I convinced myself that she had missed something during the D & C and that I would probably start to hemorrhage soon. When those worries stopped, I convinced myself that I had had a molar pregnancy after all and that was the reason for the brown spotting. The pathology report had said I was fine, but all I could think about was the horror stories I read on Google.

Then, I replaced myself with a new worry. The reason I was losing weight and had shorter, lighter periods and spotting was because I had some type of cancer, maybe not related to the reproductive areas, but somewhere else. If I temporarily managed to convince myself that I was indeed fine, I began to worry about my loved ones. Maybe they were the ones that were sick? I spent time obsessing over them, analyzing their words and actions for anything that seemed out of the norm. Then, they cycle would repeat and I would begin to worry about myself again.

To say that I have spent many nights without sleep would be an understatement. The tears I have cried would fill an ocean. This is not living.

After waking up one morning asking myself, “Am I going to die today?” I finally took action and went to the doctor and cried my story out.

The doctor managed to convince me that all my problems were because of anxiety, depression, and grief, which is what I knew, but just needed someone to say this. The reason for the weight loss was obvious. I lost weight because I stopped eating. I stopped eating because I just didn’t have the appetite. I didn’t have an appetite because I was too worried and depressed to think about food. I was worried and depressed because I’ve been reliving everything that has happened over the last several months.

Most importantly, the doctor also convinced me that everything that has happened to me hasn’t been my fault. I told her about the chromosomal abnormalities with the miscarriages and she said, “You don’t have any control over how chromosomes line up.” I cannot tell you how much this has helped me because I’ve been blaming myself for a very long time. Blaming myself for my eggs, blaming myself for being 37, blaming myself for even trying to conceive in the first place, blaming myself for trying again after the first miscarriage. I don’t know, the whole discussion was just so. . .healing for me.

The CBC test came back normal and she prescribed antidepressants which have helped a great deal. I was on antidepressants a year or so ago, but weaned myself off them because I was afraid that they were preventing me from conceiving. It was a very hard decision to go back on them because, obviously, they are a class C drug which may or may not affect a future pregnancy.  It was also hard going back on them because I had to admit that I had a problem that I couldn’t control or couldn’t solve. In the past I’ve always managed to pull myself out of depression and manage anxiety. This time, I knew I couldn’t.

I really don’t know what happened to me mentally over the last couple of months. I call it a breakdown, but I’m not a medical professional. For all I know, a breakdown is something else entirely, but it doesn’t matter, because I’m managing my anxieties better now.  I don’t worry so much about my health, but I do worry that I might have uterine scarring from the second D & C, but that discussion is for another post. I’ve been taking care of the house, talking more to friends (yes, even those with children), and I even forced myself to hold a baby a few weeks ago.  That is major progress for someone who will go well out of her way to avoid making eye contact with an infant.

For the first time in a long time, I feel alive.

More importantly, I can give myself permission to be alive. Permission to blog. Permission to heal.

Permission to just be me.

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15 responses to this post.

  1. Wow you have endured quite a hell over the last couple of months. I’m glad you got yourself to the doctor and have been able to engage in life again recently. Its good to see you back. You should be proud of yourself for taking the steps to take care of yourself again. I don’t mean to sound trite, but have you thought of therapy to help with the grief? I realize this is easy for me to suggest….thinking of you,

    Reply

  2. Wow. Wow. You’ve been so much and you’re such a strong woman. I’m so glad you’ve gotten the help you need and will be thinking about you.
    Also, I love the new blog look!

    Reply

  3. It takes a lot of strength and courage to seek out help the way you did. I’m so glad you’re starting to feel better and fight you way through this. Sending you hugs.

    Reply

  4. This is so good to hear! I am so, so sorry, sweet friend, for the very hard journey you have taken and for the internal struggle that you have had to deal with, but I’m so proud of you for finding your own way out of the darkness. I hope all the days and months and years ahead are filled with light for you. ~ hugs ~

    Reply

  5. I felt like I was reading something I would have written. The pain, anxiety and worry lessen over time, but finding a way to manage it was a good step. ((hugs))

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  6. I am so glad you asked for help and are feeling better.

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  7. It is possible for the logical part of your brain to know something (i.e. “this is not my fault”) and at the same time for the rest of your body to go right on believing the opposite to be true anyway. ::hug:: welcome back. I had, what I term, a breakdown last year in May. Honestly, how does anyone get through IF *without* having a breakdown? I’m glad you are feeling better and I hope you continue to heal from your traumas. I’ll be thinking of you.

    Reply

  8. It’s brilliant that you took the step to ask for help from the Dr. Shortly before I started blogging, I fell apart from stress and the realisation that this journey was nowhere near its end. My prolactin levels were through the roof. I call it the despair phase. In that time, my periods became scant, I was underweight and my eyes were dark. I couldn’t bring myself to visit a Dr because I thought they’d belittle my pain. I saw a therapist but she just projected her own experience onto me. Eventually my friend recommended that I should visit her naturopath mum and slowly through regular sessions I began to process it all and get better.

    Acupuncture really helped to reduce the anxiety and stress. I still face heavy bouts of depression – like waves. I deal with it in secret because in reality everyone sees me as this easy going smiley person. Recently, I tried taking 5HPT to give me a serotonin boost but after that pill I realised that it’s not for me. So I’m trying to battle it with sleep, food and exercise. I think you have to be kind to yourself and take each hour as it comes. The fact that you can hold a baby and socialise with mummy friends is great. I’m still dodging some mummy friends :/

    Take floradix, eat beetroot and spinach to get your periods back. That’s what worked for me – along with the Aviva Method that helps with blood flow in that area. Most importantly chill out!

    You have to do what is right for you. I’ve seen a couple of IF bloggers take antidepressants and fall pregnant. I don’t think antidepressants are evil or that it’s a bad thing to take them. I think Bitter Infertiles did a podcast about antidepressants too.

    In any case – welcome back.. officially. x

    Reply

    • Thank you for sharing your experiences. To me, you always seem like such an upbeat person and I was surprised to learn you suffered from bouts of depression. I guess it’s not really a surprise considering the journey we’ve all had to take.

      Thanks for the suggestions, too. I know I need to eat better and am trying to incorporate some more green into my diet. There is definitely a connection between food and depression and anxiety. I’ve heard of the Aviva method, but am not very familiar with it, but it sounds like something I will look into.

      Don’t give me too much credit for socializing with those friends with babies. I only forced myself to do it and can only do it if the baby or child is older! Like you, I still have plenty of friends with younger babies that I have to avoid.

      Reply

  9. You are so, so strong for asking for help! Be proud of yourself! As for the pills, there are some antidepressants that are safer during pregnancy. I’m sure your doctor can switch you to a safer one if need be!

    Reply

  10. Good for you for talking to someone and getting the help you need! Depression is so harsh to have to deal with on top of infertility, but it is not uncommon. I know I wouldn’t have survived the past year without my meds. I also put a lot of blame on myself even though everyone assures me it is in no way my fault, it doesn’t feel that way though. One step at a time. I’m just so happy that you are doing better!

    Reply

  11. […] them feel like they could die at a moment’s notice? The months that followed were some of the darkest I’ve ever experienced.  I confided in my family, but no one truly understood what I was going through. I needed some […]

    Reply

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