A Beautiful Uterus and Time to Obsess



I’m a worrier–as you know from my last post. My worrying is by nature and by the circumstances of the last several months.

One of my most recent worries has been about the state of my uterus. It carried one baby for 7 weeks and carried something that should have been a baby for about 6.

Then, there were the D & C’s.

Two within 5 months.

So, I’ve spent the last couple of months imagining the worst–scarring, adhesions, and other bad things.

But that’s not the case, because my new RE performed a saline sonogram and called my uterus beautiful!

Cue the great, big sigh of relief!

After much consideration, and if all testing comes back normal, we will proceed with an October/November IVF. This is still months away and I am both excited and nervous. I have months to obsess and worry, and true to my character, I am already doing so.

Particularly with my ovarian reserve. In April of 2012, the level was 6.5. A little over a year later it is a whooping 12.8!  How could it rise so quickly?  Did I worry all my eggs out of me? I know that fertility starts to drop off in your mid-to-late 30’s but this is ridiculous! I almost feel like it has to be a clinical error. 12.8 isn’t catastrophic; it’s borderline. Still it concerns me. But, there is good news. . .

My antral follicle count was 14 which the nurse and IVF coordinator thought was excellent, especially for someone my age.  It’s one point from ideal, but the nurse said that there are a lot of 20-somethings who don’t even have a level like that.  When I brought up the high FSH, she tried to reassure me that the good antral follicle count was what mattered most.  I just hope she’s right because this is pretty much a one-shot deal for me.

Plus, I’m wearing myself out from googling the hell out of 12.8 FSH level.

I want to spend these next several weeks in peace; visualizing the best outcome. I’m just afraid that my negative thinking will start to creep in. I want this to work. I need this to work. I really feel like my mental state can affect the outcome.

When I look back over the last couple of months, I think about my husband, the doctors, my family. Even when things were going wrong, they all stayed so positive. I’m the one who fell apart and couldn’t pick myself back up. Even when we knew that pregnancy number two was a bust, my husband, who I know was suffering as well, kept saying to me, “Don’t worry; we’ll have our baby.” He still says it. Even the ob-gyn, who knew I had been trying for years and witnessed my losses said, “A bad egg came up this time, but it’s just a matter of time before a good one comes up.”

People like this amaze me. They’ve kept me holding on even when my world was falling apart. How do they do it? How can I be like that? Is it even possible?






6 responses to this post.

  1. I remember those days of obsessing and googling so well. They’re tortuous because they really tell you nothing, but give you lots of anxiety. I’m so glad you have supportive people to lift you up in your life and I’m so hopeful for your autumn IVF. May it be the beginning of many beautiful things!


  2. I wish I was as level headed and optimisitic as my husband. Maybe it’s just because it’s our bodies that we feel more responsibility? Hold onto the positive thoughts.

    P.s What a beautiful picture!


  3. Hooray for a beautiful uterus and a fantastic AFC! I get the anxiety aspect of all of this though… even the desire to channel some of the optimism of your support network. It’s easier said than done, but definitely worth the effort. Ill be following along as you get ready for your cycle in the fall… and thinking of you often.


  4. I am not optimistic by nature, and I think it’s even more difficult to think that way when we know from experience (both our own and reading about others’) that things go wrong. The good news is, I don’t think your level of optimism has anything to do with the outcome of a particular cycle. A beautiful uterus is something to celebrate right now! When my FSH was first tested, it was borderline. On subsequent testing, the number actually went down, which I wasn’t even told about and didn’t see until I got a copy of my records. So maybe that particular number doesn’t matter all that much, especially when your AFC is so great! Best of luck to you!


  5. Just found your blog today from the Stirrup Queens list. Looks like we’ll be starting our IVF around the same time. I’ve added you to my follow list. Your numbers look pretty good to me… at least I know mine are worse than yours are and I am 35. All the best!!


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