Ready, Set, Retrieve

needle

 

When I ordered my IVF meds and discovered six 900 iu cartridges of Follistim in the box, I thought there was no way I’d ever use all of that medicine. Well, not only have I used all of it, I had to get extra!  I’m proud to say that the last dose has been taken.

It’s trigger shot time!

I ended up stimming 13 days on the Antagonist protocol and had 8 ultrasounds within that period. I was fortunate that I had my husband with me for most of these visits. Ultrasounds have always made me nervous, but towards the end, when I was pretty sure I’d get to retrieval, most of my nerves subsided somewhat.

During this past week, I’ve mostly kept my no Google rule.  I admit that I did cheat a bit after one of doctor visits, but none since then. I had one breakdown at the beginning of stimming when I thought my follicles wouldn’t grow, but they have. Since then, I’ve been doing pretty well.

One thing I’ve learned that makes this process much more bearable is to trust my doctor and not ask questions whose answers will lead me to obsess. For example, I never got my progesterone or estradiol levels. I’m sure I would have been given them if I had asked, but I didn’t want to know because this would lead to me obsessing over them and researching them for hours on end, no matter what they were.  If there was a problem with them, I figured my doctor would tell me. So, no obsessing over hormone levels and to tell you the truth, I don’t miss the obsessing one bit.

Speaking of my doctor, she really is kind. The first time I met her, I knew there was just something about her, something special that made me feel comfortable.  Then I realized what that special thing was: she has compassion in her eyes. I can’t tell you how much I have needed this. In the past, I’ve always thought that I was just kind of on my own. I didn’t expect a doctor, particularly one who deals with these issues, to show that he or she cared about me. Now I realize that I deserve to have a RE who is empathetic.

And I deserve to be a mother!

I think this whole process has been about me letting go of fear. I was so afraid of this process, even afraid of making that first telephone call, but somehow I managed. I was also afraid to go to this particular doctor. Why? Because I let myself become afraid after reading some negative reviews on a doctor rating website which I have found to be far from the truth.

It’s funny, people tell me that I’m strong, that I seem to have a handle on things.  But the truth is, I’ve always been very much afraid.  But now, I’m learning to look my fear in the eye. I really think the thing I have feared the most is fear itself.

Is this to say I have no fear? No. I’m just learning to control it before it paralyzes me. There is one thing I have learned for sure: worry and fear are absolutely useless.

My retrieval is set for Tuesday. If you are a praying person, I’d appreciate prayers that everything goes well.  If you want to pray specifically, please pray for chromosomally normal embryos that implant successfully into my uterus.

Once again, I’ll keep everyone posted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 responses to this post.

  1. Cozy and I pray for you every night. Now we’ll pray more specifically for Tuesday. I’m so glad your RE is empathetic! It makes a huge difference. I love your attitude about fear and worry- so true. Keep it up.

    Reply

  2. I tried to keep the same attitude re: trusting my doctor and not asking too many questions, and I think it helped get me through. Good luck on Tuesday! I’ll be sending lots of positive, chromosomally normal thoughts your way!

    Reply

  3. It sounds like you are in a really good place right now, which I hope is only the start of really good things. I am praying so hard for you, my friend! xo

    Reply

  4. Oh I’ll be praying for you! Crossing fingers all goes well xo

    Reply

  5. Will be praying for you. Hope it goes well!

    Reply

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