Over

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Today would have been transfer day.  Our two retrieved eggs were mature and fertilized, but didn’t make it to day 2  Here’s how everything went down:

  • We started out with 5 follicles
  • 5 follicles grew to 6 within one day
  • 6 follicles grew for a long time and we ended up with two more the last two days, making it a grand total of 8
  • After 13 days of stims, we trigger
  • Retrieval takes place Tuesday where I am told that they retrieved 2 eggs (even under anesthesia, I know that this is not good)
  • The next day I am told that the 2 eggs were mature and fertilized (hope begins to spring again)
  • The day after (which was yesterday, Thursday, I was told that both embryos had arrested)

I can honestly say that I was surprised and shocked that I had only two eggs retrieved and that the two embroys (if they even made it to that stage) died.

I’m not stupid.  Statistically, even before this whole process started, I knew the odds were against me, but I had faith. Real faith. Probably more than I had in my entire life for anything. I had courage. I was positive.  It was 100% authentic. I felt like it was a gift from God–that he had brought me to this and was all over everything, even months in advance. But, I’ll save all of that for a future post which will come soon, I assure you.

I have to take God out of the equation and look at my reality.  I’m 37, (almost 38 in less than two months) and my eggs are just plain bad. How do I know this? The only two times that I achieved pregnancy (which I have no idea how they happened in the first place given my husband’s male factor issues) they have resulted in chromosomal losses. Where do chromosomal losses come from? The woman’s egg!

Plus, there is the issue of my FSH of 12.8 which basically means a lower number of eggs which translates to a low number of bad eggs. Research says that this is not necessarily true, but I guess it is true for me.

Then take the issue of this IVF.  It took forever for my follicles to even grow and I only got 8 (which I could have lived with) and this was from a very high dose of medication. But–it took me 13 days to even get there.  Then, we get to retrieval and they are able to only extract two eggs. The nurse said that she thought the other follicles were probably empty and maybe they were, but I don’t think she’s correct based on everything I’ve read about empty follicle syndrome. Chances are they couldn’t get to these eggs because they were probably misshapen or something equally bad.  The two that were retrieved arrested, of course, because they were crap.

I just don’t have any good eggs and I have to learn to live with that.

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20 responses to this post.

  1. So, so, sorry, having been through something similar (higher FSH, slow growth and all my eggs were bad and didn’t even get a chance to fertilize in IVF #1) I know how unbelievably gut wrenching it is to have such failure. I pretty much had a breakdown as I felt just like you, I really thought it was going to work and didn’t even really contemplate that we wouldn’t get to the stage of having something to transfer. Have you spoken to your doctor about using a different protocol perhaps? We are doing Antagonist/Ganirelix for IVF #2 in the hope that it will yield better results and improve the quality – my doc said that sometimes the protocol drugs can cause issues with egg quality. I’m not super optomistic this go round but we have a 2 for 1 deal so it’s worth a shot for us. Anyway, take care of yourself (I did lots of crying and drinking after our failure) and if there is anything I can share about my experience that would help please let me know. I’m at http://www.interfilityabsurdity.wordpress.com as well.

    Reply

    • I was on the antagonist protocol. I guess it could have been the wrong one to start with. I know the Lupron is the one that most doctors typically try, but I think they tried this one because of my age and FSH level.

      We used what was left of our insurance money to finance this one which left us with a balance of several thousand dollars. I don’t know if I would qualify for any of the financial packages since I have a higher FSH but I suppose its worth asking. Not sure if its worth trying a second time though.

      Thanks for your comments and kind words. It is a horrible place to be in.

      Reply

  2. I’m so sorry. I also assumed our first round of IVF would work and was devastated when it didn’t. It sucks. Thinking of you and sending you huge hugs.

    Reply

    • I went into the whole thing with the wrong attitude. It should have been with a strict diagnostic attitude only–just to find out how I responded to high doses of medicine and what my eggs looked like. My response to medicine, in my opinion, was pretty crappy and the eggs, well I don’t know what they looked like, but considering that I only got two and those two arrested, I’d say they weren’t so great either.

      Reply

      • It’s hard not to go into it hopeful, though. And when you’re investing so much–physically, emotionally, and financially–you have to believe that you’ll get something for your efforts. The second time around is totally different, usually because it didn’t work the first time.

  3. Oh, friend. I am so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I wish there was more I could say. Wishing you lots of peace and strength in the days ahead. xo

    Reply

  4. I’m so, so sorry. 😦 I wish there was more to say, but I can’t imagine your disappointment. 😦

    Reply

  5. Oh man. I am so sorry. HUGS

    Reply

  6. I’m so sorry. I’m devastated for you. This whole process is demolarising and defeating. Hugs to you x

    Reply

  7. I’ve read your post four times and each time I didn’t know what to write to comfort you. I was just as positive for you and so glad to see you positive too. I am now so disappointed and heartbroken for you. Life is so cruel sometimes.

    Take time to heal. Do something nice for you. I’m sending you a huge hug and thinking of you a lot x

    Reply

  8. I’ve written and deleted four comments trying to express how sad and sorry I am to hear this news. I have nothing wise or particularly helpful to say. Just that you know my story and if that gives you any hope please remember it. If it just pisses you off, then ignore it and draw your strength elsewhere. Continued prayers and hopeful, healing thoughts from me.

    Reply

    • First of all, your comments or story could never piss me off. You may feel that you have nothing wise or helpful to say but knowing that you commiserate with me by having walked in my shoes means more to me than any words offered. That, my friend, is rare and worth more than gold.

      Reply

  9. I’m so sorry. Wish there were better words for this…but thinking of you in this difficult time.

    Reply

  10. Hey there, it’s not my place to do this, but I am going to anyway: you have to stop being so hard on yourself and beating yourself up. I can feel the disappointment coming off your post – but it’s tinged with disappointment in yourself. You did nothing wrong by being hopeful and optimistic. It doesn’t make you silly or weak or whatever to have hoped that this would work. It means you’re strong and you have a big heart and you just want a baby.

    Sorry, had to say it, because I could read through the lines and I wanted you to know you don’t deserve it to feel so crappy.

    Reply

  11. Posted by Leah on November 13, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    Hi, I am really sorry to hear this did not work.

    I am not going to tell you all of the annoying advice. Hell, I don’t know where you are located, but I wanted to give you an idea. Is it possible to move to a state temporarily where it is mandatory that insurance companies cover fertility? This is what I did. I moved to IL where they paid for four cycles of IVF. Some of the best fertility doctors are in states where it is mandatory to cover infertility treatments because they can make $$$ since insurance kicks in so much. Sad about the $, but very true.

    Hang in there. It might take a while, but I believe if you go to a great IVF clinic, they’ll be able to retrieve some good ones for you. FX.

    Reply

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