The Way to a Baby

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The way to a baby for me (according to my RE) is. . .

(drumroll please)

Through donor eggs!

Yep, we had our WTF appointment today and the doctor said nothing that I hadn’t figured out on my own already.

It turns out the follicles during the IVF cycle were truly empty and that her initial prediction was that I would get four eggs retrieved. Of course, I got two. She also said that my two retrieved eggs didn’t make it to the cleavage stage which indicates an egg quality issue.  Had the eggs made it past this stage and made it to transfer, she would likely recommend a second try at this with my own eggs.

She made it clear that she would indeed do a second IVF, if this is what I wanted, but predicted a similar outcome.  Taking into account my years of trying, my two losses, and this failed IVF, the egg quality just isn’t there.

I’m a little confused about my husband’s sperm issues with all of this.  Initially, the doctor felt that my 4 IUI failures were due to a lack of fertilization, but now she thinks egg quality issues were coming to play even back then.  So chances are, I’ve had poor egg quality for years now.  The higher FSH that I have now is only compounding the problem, I think.  I remember having my FSH tested over a year and a half ago and it was only 6.5 which was great, but I still had problems conceiving even then.  It just goes to show you that a good FSH does not mean good egg quality, no matter what your age.

I have to face reality. I may only be 37 (which is still a good age for a “normal” woman to have a baby), but my body thinks it is older.  Premature aging.  It’s supposed to be harder for a woman my age to get pregnant, but not this hard.

Ask any woman who wants a child. Her dream is to bear a biological child. I am no different. Not being able to bear a biological child means grieving.

But I have to be honest with myself. I’ve been grieving this loss for a very long time now. I didn’t start grieving when I failed this IVF cycle, I didn’t start when I miscarried, and I didn’t start when the IUIs didn’t work. It’s been a continuous process for years now, I guess.

Maybe that’s why I didn’t cry when she recommended donor eggs. If she had recommended this a month ago, I would have fallen apart. Maybe I’m finally at the last stage of grief–acceptance.

Like I said before, I think I’m done blaming myself. As far as I know, my egg quality could have been gone in my 20’s. I didn’t choose it. I didn’t ask for it to happen and it’s not my fault. I don’t know why it happened to me, but I know I can’t change it.  I used to be a happy person; maybe I can find my way back to it. I’ve got a lot going for me in my life and a lot to be thankful for.

I’m going to beat infertility, one way or another. My desire to be a mother hasn’t wavered. I choose to believe that God put that desire in me and that he will fulfill it somehow. It may not be in the way I choose, but I believe that it will happen.

I don’t intend to do another IVF cycle with my own eggs, but I will continue to try to conceive naturally. I did ask the RE about DHEA and she said that in some cases it has helped women and it some cases it has not. It certainly won’t hurt to try. Her recommendation is 50 mg in the morning. I will also go back to acupuncture and try changing my diet.

As for donor eggs, it is an option that we are strongly considering in the coming months. I’m not saying that it is a definite, but I’m no longer completely against it and my husband has warmed up to the idea as well. There’s still a major hurdle–money. In case you are wondering, we don’t have any. Even if we still had insurance coverage, my policy does not cover donor eggs.

So there you have it. My day. Now it’s time to clean up my house for the holidays!

 

 

 

 

 

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19 responses to this post.

  1. I hope everything works out for you! Good luck. ❤

    Reply

  2. I’m so sorry for this news, but it sounds like you are taking it really well. I’ll be thinking about you in the coming months as you make decisions.

    Reply

  3. I am so sorry for the news today. I know it can be a hard pill to swallow. But while reading your post I kept thinking of Sarah and Abraham. The Bible says that Sarah’s body was well passed mature (basically gone through menopause already) but nothing is too impossible with God (Luke 1:37) He placed this desire in your heart to have your own biological children so don’t give up hope in God that He can turn this around for you. prayers to you 🙂

    “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed, and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him…” Romans 4:18

    Reply

    • Thank you for that. Like you, I am believing for a healing in my body. I know that body has the sickness and I know that it’s not God’s will for us to be that way. I’m still holding on.

      Reply

      • we will soon be holding our babies 🙂 I’m believing with you girl!! I am saying prayers and thanking Him for your healing right now 😉

  4. I’m just want to send you a huge virtual hug. You are an amazingly strong women and you WILL make a fantastic mother.

    Reply

  5. Have you considered embryo adoption? It is considerably less expensive than using an egg donor or adoption. It has become pretty much the only choice my husband and I have left due to money issues. Whatever you choose, I wish you peace and happiness. Thank you for sharing and helping fellow IFs to not feel alone. Many hugs!

    Reply

  6. Oh my gosh…I love your attitude. What a strong and beautiful spirit you have! I’m so sorry that it’s come to this, but I do believe that you will find your child, or your child will find you, in one way or another. This is only the beginning. xo

    Reply

  7. Oh, friend, I so hope you will keep this attitude going forward! One way or another you will be a mother! I know this news felt like a sharp blow to the heart, but I really admire your determination and resiliency. I have so much hope for you. Take care of yourself.

    Reply

  8. I’m sure this news comes as a blow, no matter how prepared for it you are. I wish you the best in your efforts to conceive and/or scrounge up the money for a donor cycle. I know it’s not easy financially, but emotionally, it sounds like you’re in a pretty good place. Hugs.

    Reply

    • I try not to think about the news too much. Yes, it is a blow, but I can’t change it. I’m just grateful that the RE was kind about delivering such news. I hate to take out another loan but it is looking like that might be our only option.

      Reply

  9. What you have gone through sounds so familiar to me. The crappy eggs, high FSH, eggs not fertilizing. I have never even gotten pregnant before. But my RE hasn’t given me the donor egg talk yet. I started trying when I was your age and I am 39 right now. She believes that high FSH indicates egg reserve but doesn’t necessarily point to egg quality. It’s just that good eggs are harder to come by when you have fewer. So eventually there is a good egg somewhere. After my few failed IVFs, I will try one more time with my current RE then I’ll look into mini-IVFs to see if we can retrieve one to two eggs each time, try to fertilize them, and bank any embryos that we may have. We shall see. I live in the SF Bay Area and we may go down to SoCal to a clinic that specializes in mini and natural IVF. It’s far but if it gives us a chance to have a baby, we’d try. And if that fails this year, my heart is prepared for donor eggs. Sorry for the novel. Just thought I’d share.

    Reply

    • Our stories are similar. Sometimes, I think I would have done just as well with this IVF had I just taken Clomid. I don’t think my doctor will do a mini or natural IVF but its worth asking. Before this IVF, she made it sound like the high FSH wasn’t a big deal, but afterwards she made it more of an issue. I also have two miscarriages behind me so maybe her donor egg recommendation is based on that. For the meantime, I’m not making any major decisions, but donor eggs is still in the back of my mind. I’m going to concentrate on supplements, better eating and acupuncture, hoping that these make a difference. Thanks for stopping by!

      Reply

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