Third Trimester & Moving Forward

pink flower

Another milestone for me–today is the first day of my third trimester!

One year ago, I was preparing for my IVF, full of anxiety, hope, and nerves. A year and a half ago, I was on the precipice of an emotional breakdown after my second loss. Two years ago, I was blissfully pregnant for the first time, but didn’t realize the sorrow and devastation that would await me.

I’ve been thinking of the past lately and am trying to find a way to come to terms with it. I’ve held onto it, yes, because in some ways it feels like the last four years of my life are the only ones I have ever known. Even recently, I’ve still felt the sting of endless celebrity pregnancy announcements and found myself  hitting the rewind button to listen to those voices that haunted me for years.

But, day by day I’ve let joy come into my life. For the first time in a long, long time, I feel at peace.

Obviously, everyone can tell I’m pregnant at 28 weeks. It feels so strange, yet exhilarating to talk about being pregnant to other people. This is no understatement: I am absolutely blown away by how everyone has been so supportive and excited for me. I spent so much time hiding away from people because of infertility that I became an emotional recluse. I couldn’t let others get near me, because I felt like it only made the pain worse. Now, I feel like I can connect with others, have a conversation with them without becoming emotionally exhausted, and most importantly be present in the moment instead of thinking of ways to shut down and run.

Something tells me this is what normal feels like and let me tell you, it is amazing.

This isn’t to say that I’m 100% carefree. I still have quite a lot of anxiety about this pregnancy and things that could go wrong. I still Google every little symptom that seems strange. I’m anxious about the upcoming gestational diabetes test this coming week but I will try to take things as they do or do not come.

In other related news, we’ve spent the last couple of weeks cleaning out the spare bedroom turning it into a nursery. It has been painted a soft shade of pink/violet because I just could not resist. I had promised myself I wouldn’t go overboard with the pink but I just couldn’t resist having it as the wall color. We also added a fairy border in green. It looks especially nice with the new hardwood floors. The room is definitely taking on something of an enchanted theme though I didn’t plan it that way. When I came home the other day and saw it all complete, I couldn’t help but cry because I remembered staring at the room years before wondering if it would ever become a nursery. Now, it has.

It’s been an exhausting couple of weeks/months, but know that I still follow and read everyone’s blog posts. I don’t always comment like I previously did but I am still thinking and praying for you all always.

 

 

 

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Look at you. Your third trimester. Amazing! I’m so happy for you and for the leaps and bounds you’re taking towards welcoming home your precious daughter. Wishing you a happy, healthy final trimester! xo

    Reply

  2. Oh my god, I just don’t even know what to say. I’ve been reading your blog for so long and following as admittedly, terrible things happened and now here you are. So close and so happy. You know, as you described the changes that being safely pregnant have brought, I also noticed a looseness in your writing. It’s like the cautious, careful side has been tempered and you’re playing again. Much love 🙂

    Reply

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