Another Year

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While I’ve been thinking about this particular day, October 15th, for a few days now, I realized that for the first time, I didn’t acknowledge the anniversary of my first lost baby that occurred in September eight years ago. In the past, I’ve spend September feeling anxious and sad knowing  September 27th was coming up. But, when the day came this year, the event completely slipped my mind. I did not think about it. Not even once.

To me, I felt like this was a betrayal to my lost baby.

Granted, this is 2020 and needless to say, that is a sufficient reason to forget many things and function in an entirely different way.  Still, my life was changed so dramatically that day all those years ago how could I not remember?  I have no answer so I light these candles tonight and allow myself to revisit those things I’ve put away.

I’ve spent the past hour reflecting on that time in my life. A lot of emotions have resurfaced in these moments. I felt the terror, the desperation, just like it was yesterday. I don’t allow myself to go there very often but I realize that remembering those feelings hasn’t destroyed me. I’m still sitting here, typing this, still blessed with a beautiful daughter and husband and still a survivor.

She is my dream come true and always will be. I wholeheartedly say that I live my life for her. Yes, she asked about the candles (she was more afraid of them than anything else). I did not tell her who they were for, but some day I will.

Sometimes, when she plays in her room I realize that she is playing make-believe. She’s just chatting it up with someone having the best time. I have those moments when I wonder, just possibly, is she sensing her older sister’s spirit? Maybe that’s just wishful thinking, but my thoughts often go to this possibility. My daughter has always been drawn to slightly older children. So, I make my own connections, whether real or imagined.

I realize I only write once a year (I could make promises to do more but I won’t) but for me, that is enough. I still read many of your blogs, even though I think most people are in the same position as I am–so busy living a good life that there isn’t time to write it all down.

And yes my daughter still asks for a sibling and yes, I’d still very much like to give her one. This has been a dream I’ve carried for years, though I don’t let the desire consume me. If God has it in store, then so be it.

Thanks for reading this. By reading, I know you see me and that makes all the difference in the world.

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