Archive for the ‘National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day’ Category

Wish You Were Here

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Here we are again–National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day or if you prefer, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

It’s now been 5 years since my first miscarriage and about 4 1/2 since my second. I know this day is about remembering and honoring what was lost, but it’s hard not to remember without feeling the sadness and the sting that goes with it.

Yes, I still look at the candles and wonder what might have been, but my heart also hurts for everyone else who has suffered. Someone very close to me endured a devastating pregnancy loss earlier in the year. I carry this child with me every day and I wish for all the world that he could be here.

So these candles are for me and they are for her and they are for you. Remembering what was lost and hoping for dreams to be realized.

 

 

 

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To the Babies I Didn’t Meet

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Dear babies:

Today is October 15th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. To most, this is just a typical day, but for me (and  others) this is a day where we pause. If only for a moment.

I lit a candle for each of you. I always do. I couldn’t bear not to.

As I watched your candles flicker, I think about this day. How I imagined you running towards the sliding board, holding her hand. How I noticed your spot on the other side of the pumpkin at the fall photo shoot.  How I would have shared my SnoCone with you, even if it left a blue ring around your mouth.

It’s so unbelievable how you can and cannot exist at the same time.

But tonight you reminded me of one simple truth: We are a family. You are mine and I am yours. Time will move  forward and your spirits will go with it.

I love you and miss you,

Mama

 

Keeping the Tradition

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I was out late tonight and by late I mean 8PM. I was tired, anxious, and more than ready to go to bed. I wasn’t going to write this post, this same post that I’ve been writing for the past three years.

However, when I dug out these candles and lit them in honor of my lost babies, I instantly felt soothed. My lost babies. I said it. Not my lost embryo or my lost product of conception, but my babies. Lost early, but a part of me forever.

For the first time, I can light these candles and not lose myself by the sheer weight of the sadness they represent. I can acknowledge and honor my babies, knowing they were real and that they mattered and still do. I am honoring their memories and it feels right and it feels okay.