Archive for the ‘National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day’ Category

To the Babies I Didn’t Meet

img_1639

 

Dear babies:

Today is October 15th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. To most, this is just a typical day, but for me (and  others) this is a day where we pause. If only for a moment.

I lit a candle for each of you. I always do. I couldn’t bear not to.

As I watched your candles flicker, I think about this day. How I imagined you running towards the sliding board, holding her hand. How I noticed your spot on the other side of the pumpkin at the fall photo shoot.  How I would have shared my SnoCone with you, even if it left a blue ring around your mouth.

It’s so unbelievable how you can and cannot exist at the same time.

But tonight you reminded me of one simple truth: We are a family. You are mine and I am yours. Time will move  forward and your spirits will go with it.

I love you and miss you,

Mama

 

Keeping the Tradition

flame2015

I was out late tonight and by late I mean 8PM. I was tired, anxious, and more than ready to go to bed. I wasn’t going to write this post, this same post that I’ve been writing for the past three years.

However, when I dug out these candles and lit them in honor of my lost babies, I instantly felt soothed. My lost babies. I said it. Not my lost embryo or my lost product of conception, but my babies. Lost early, but a part of me forever.

For the first time, I can light these candles and not lose myself by the sheer weight of the sadness they represent. I can acknowledge and honor my babies, knowing they were real and that they mattered and still do. I am honoring their memories and it feels right and it feels okay.