Posts Tagged ‘National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day’

Wish You Were Here

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Here we are again–National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day or if you prefer, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

It’s now been 5 years since my first miscarriage and about 4 1/2 since my second. I know this day is about remembering and honoring what was lost, but it’s hard not to remember without feeling the sadness and the sting that goes with it.

Yes, I still look at the candles and wonder what might have been, but my heart also hurts for everyone else who has suffered. Someone very close to me endured a devastating pregnancy loss earlier in the year. I carry this child with me every day and I wish for all the world that he could be here.

So these candles are for me and they are for her and they are for you. Remembering what was lost and hoping for dreams to be realized.

 

 

 

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The Flame

Last night, before I lit my candle for National Pregnancy Loss and Infant Remembrance, I made a mental list of all the bloggers I could think of that had lost babies.  At first, between three women, six babies were lost.  This count by itself broke my heart.. Then the number rose to seven, eight, and soon nine.  Just when I thought I had remembered each blogger, the number rose to 15.  15 women out there who have suffered as I have, many of those suffering on a much more horrific level.

After reaching 15, I thought of all the women I knew in real life who had lost a child.

16 . . .

17. . .

20. . .

Then the number rose to 30.

After reaching 30, I counted the friends and acquaintances of women I knew who had suffered the same tragedy at some point in their lives.

35. . .40. . . 50. 

51. . .

52. . . 

53. . .

I stopped counting after a bit, but I am fairly certain the number of women I knew or knew of had reached the 60’s or 70’s.

70 women out there who had suffered a loss so painful and horrible, there are no words to describe it.  70 women, many who are burning candles in their hearts, flames flickering wildly.

What truly is devastating is that this is merely my own count.  How many women do you know?

After I lit the candle last night, I let myself sit a few minutes to simply watch the flame.  My husband joined me.  The flame danced strongly and vibrantly.  I thought about my baby, my daughter, just as she was.  I didn’t allow myself to think of the two and a half years that preceded her conception or of the events that might come after her.

Just her.

To me, she was and always will be my angel.

After we blew out her candle, I realized how truly cold the world is without her.  But, I also felt love, mixed in with a flicker of healing.