Posts Tagged ‘pets’

You’re Infertile? Ok, Take My Dog

Wow–it’s been almost a month since I last posted.  I’ve wanted to.  I’ve also wanted to comment on more of your blogs but. . .

I just couldn’t.

Maybe because I’m bitter, maybe because I’m sad.  Maybe I am trying not to give infertility the dominant place it has in my life.  If I don’t talk about, if I don’t blog about it, maybe it won’t exist.  I’ve actually done a decent job of convincing myself of this the last couple of weeks.  It isn’t healing.  It isn’t strength.  It’s about denial and that’s the safest place for me right now.

Don’t get me wrong–I’ve endured endless FB pregnancies, real-life pregnancies (including my best friend) and have had babies rubbed in my face constantly.  I don’t fall to pieces.  I just feel detached.  Like none of it is real.  I suppose this is better than the alternative–emotional breakdowns and constant tears.  The only place I really cry is church when a baby is baptized.  That gets me every time.  It absolutely tears my heart to pieces.

Today, though, the sadness returned.  I talked to my best friend last night who is pregnant with number two.  She is one of the few people who knows about my trouble TTC.  We chatted a lot about work and her impending baby (impending baby–lol–I have no idea where that came from).  I know she means well and really has no idea the extent of the hell I’ve been living through, but did she really have to mention that this was an “oops baby” that was conceived because she was on antibiotics?  Did she really have to tell me that it must have all been part of God’s plan because it wasn’t something she had planned for herself?  I honestly love her with my whole heart, but after she put God into the equation, I felt like I had been stabbed.

In other news, my husband and I have had some canine and feline issues lately.  Not with our own animals.  Other people’s animals.  For the sake of loyalty, the identity of the people in question will remain anonymous.  To give you a quick back story, we have three animals: two small dogs and a cat whom we cherish, love, and spoil.   They are a handful at times, pee/poop on the carpet and do other insane things, but they are our world.   Recently, we found out that for reasons that I can’t go into, certain “people who we are very close to” are having issues with their own pets.  For some reason, these people thought it would be fitting for my husband and I to take in their dog and cat.  After all, we are childless.  We must be overly eager to  nearly double our pet population in our tiny town-home, right?  After throwing thousands of dollars down the drain on IUIs and medications, we surely must be rolling in the money to care for more animals, right?  If we gracefully decline the offer of a pet surely we must be cruel and selfish people, right?

God knows my husband and I love animals.  We can’t stand to see them mistreated or hurt.  But. . .why is it our responsibility to constantly pick up the slack of others?  Pets are blessings, but they are also commitments, just like, dare I say it, children.  You have to take the good with the bad.  Trying to guilt someone into taking the pet you no longer choose to care for is just plain wrong.  I used to let people guilt me into things.  All the time.  Over little things.  Over big things.  However, things changed somewhere between IUI#3 and IUI#4.  I learned I can’t save the world.  I just can’t.

We managed to get out of having to take the dog.  Strangely, it felt like an enormous victory for me.  I am so used to things not turning out right for me, I am shocked when something actually goes my way.  It feels 100% utterly amazing.  Like I have a sliver of control in what happens in my life.  Of course there is a lot more to this story (my husband actually committed us to the dog a few weeks before without my agreeing to it–boy, did he get in trouble with me for that one) and the verdict is still out on the cat.

And to end on an even crappier note, I just passed my 2 1/2 year mark of TTC.  Happy freakin’ anniversary!  Maybe I’ll celebrate by buying some Pre-Seed and ovulation test strips.

Thankful–7 reasons why

It is in my nature to have a somewhat (just a wee, wee bit) snarkish online presence.  I do this in order to avoid dealing with my “real feelings” as my imaginary therapist would put it. Or, maybe I’m just plain weird.  Who knows?  But. . . As the holiday weekend passes, I am reminded that I have tons to thank God for (not to mention being thankful for God himself).  In no particular order (cause intentional ordering would require a lot of planning on my part, and that’s not how I roll), here I go:

1. My husband

Ever have someone walk out of the pages of a storybook into your life?  What I did to deserve him, I’ll never know (I mean, what is he getting out of this deal?).  At the end of one of my worst days, he takes my hand and answers my neverending question: Will we have a baby? with a simple, reassuring Yes, we will. 

2.  My family

Here’s a secret about me:  I have won the lottery!  The family lottery!  I’ve been blessed with parents and siblings (and others) who love me for me.  I truly believe family is your first and most important treasure on this earth.  This reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite books: “I think all of us are always five years old in the presence and absence of our parents.”  So very true.

3. My furbabies

Yes, I have three and they are my children now and will continue to be after the addition of human children.  Yes, my chihuahua is whining softly and pitifully at me as I type, trying to convince me she is starving and, yes, my other dog  just sprinkled my laptop with his urine, but I cannot picture my life without them.  Unconditional love, all the time.

4. My insurance

Let’s face it.  If I didn’t have the insurance (and job) I have now, there would be no “conceivable” way to pay for fertility treatments and medication.  Not a chance!  It’s funny–later you see how things have worked out for you in the long run, even when you thought things were hopeless earlier. 



5.  My friends

I have some.  They are awesome.  Even if they did conceive children at the drop of a hat!  I’m happy to say my best friend has really come through for me as I go through infertility.  I assumed that she would only offer condescending advice as others, have but she uttered two words for me that have made all the difference: “I’m sorry.”

6. My health

I am healthy and for the first time in a very long time, I feel good. Until two weeks ago, I came home from work, exhausted, got in bed with my dinner, watched a little TV and fell asleep.  Then, my sister-in-law convinced me to join a gym where various classes are offered each night.  Well, somehow I found the strength I never knew I had and joined. I mean, I have these tiny, cute muscles forming beside my knee caps!  I didn’t even know those existed! (not my knee caps–the muscles!!)

7. Hope

I used to say, “I don’t want hope.  I want a baby.”  Well, I found out the hard way that hope is always necessary and should never be wished away.  So, now I have it.  I want to hold on to it.  It’s the foundation of everything.