Lately, my almost five-year-old daughter has been proclaiming to me: “I want a sister!” Most of the time, I answer with, “Do you?” while secretly hoping there is a way I can still give her one. Then, I explain to her that if she had a sister that she would come in the form of a newborn baby and it is in that moment that my daughter adamantly says, “No, I want a big sister.”
And I’m at a loss for words.
Moments like these tug at my heart strings because despite being an only child, she does indeed have an older sister–one who was lost in the earliest weeks of pregnancy six years ago.
Though part of me still feels like my experiences are unique, I see stories like mine all over social media, particularly today, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. When I was in the midst of infertility and loss, I felt like I was the only person in the world going through what I was going through. Years later, I see how I was never really alone at all. Today, I am a healed person, though I still am haunted by painful memories. So, what do I say to those who are expressing their pain and loss?
I’m at a loss for words.
Probably, like others were for me all those years ago.
As I scroll through the news feeds, reading each person’s story, I feel if anyone should have the right words for them, it should be me, but I can only whisper “I know” before I say a silent prayer for them.
So, what do I say to the little girl who asks for “a big sister” who doesn’t even realize that she actually has one?
I’m at a loss for words.
At some point, we’ll talk about the babies that were lost before her. At least one sister and maybe a brother. But for now, particularly tonight, I will hold my miracle daughter tightly against me as she, for the first time ever, asks “Why are you lighting those candles, Mama?”
One day, she will know.
TheStorkDiaries 