“How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!”
These are famous last words by someone named Simon Bolivar. Of course I had never heard of Bolivar (well, maybe somewhere) or this quote until I read Looking for Alaska by John Green a couple of years ago. Here is the entire quote:
“He was shaken by the overwhelming revelation that the headlong race between his misfortunes and his dreams was at that moment reaching the finish line. The rest was darkness. “Damn it,” he sighed. “How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!”
These words, or rather this question, have been on my mind today. For those of you who don’t know (and I certainly didn’t until I looked it up) a labyrinth is similar to a maze or tunnel–one you get easily lost in. A labyrinth of suffering, so to speak.
I flipped through some old calendars today to count the number of cycles I have been TTC.
I am on cycle 29.
Two years ago, I honestly thought cycle 1 marked the start of a short journey. Like everyone else, I assumed I would conceive a child in a few months. I was happy and hopeful. I think I actually glowed at the mere idea of being a mother. Now I wonder if I’d even recognize that same glowing girl if I saw her.
Today, I asked myself a question I didn’t think I ever would: Do I even want a child any more or do I just want my suffering to be over? If I relinquish suffering, do I have to give up the one thing that would make me complete?
I try to have faith.
I believe in God and I believe in science. But, how much does one person have to endure? I’ve got to a point where I am just plain tired. Tired of the what-if’s, tired of the maybe’s, tired of the unanswered questions.
I feel so lost in this maze, this place I’m expected to navigate but have never been to. I keep telling myself that there is a way out–somewhere away from this labyrinth of suffering.
Happy January–the most desolate, depressing month of the year.
TheStorkDiaries 