A post or two ago, I wrote about receiving an invitation to a baby shower in honor of a co-worker and his wife. Well, the shower was today and no, of course, I did not go. I actually had forgotten about it until another co-worker asked me if I would be attending as I was walking out to leave for the day. I was grateful for the reminder though because I knew I’d have to run for my infertile life as I knew the co-worker and his very pregnant wife would be rounding the corner at a moment’s notice. Lucky for me, I heard his big mouth down the hall and was able to make it out the door before I had to pretend to be happy for their ability to conceive effortlessly on their wedding night.
Anyway, baby showers remind me of some of the ridiculous baby items I’ve found on friends’ registries or stumbled over on the internet. They range from the very impractical to the ridiculously silly to the just plain wrong. Let’s start with the useless:
1. BabyGanics Foaming Dish Soap
For $6 bucks, you can rest assured that your tot’s sippy cups will not only be fragrance-free, but free of residue as well. And get this–it’s NON-TOXIC. Perfect! So when my 5 ft. tall infant is washing his hands in the sink, he can swallow a globful of this without me having to call Poison Control! Terrific! BabyGanics’s superior ability to create something as innovative and original as non-toxic soap should be commended.
2. BabyGanics Lavender Scrub-A-Dub-Tile Cleaner
This safe, effective, “natural” tile cleaner will make baby’s tub sparkle (kinda like the toilet does before it’s pooped in). And, wait for the best part– it’s lavender-scented!. . . But natural.
Yeah, I got something else that works for the tub. It’s called water and it’s free.
3. Babies R’ Us Wipe Warmer with Light
Why do people keep putting this on their lists? Ok, I know wipes are cold and everything but will Child Care Services really pay me a visit if my child’s bottom is cold? Did some guy really get paid for inventing this? Guess what? I have an idea for my own patent. Let’s call it, let’s see. . .wiping a warm wash rag over your baby’s butt first, ya dumb-ass. Don’t worry, I won’t charge you $26.99 for using it.
Now for the bizarre. . .
4. Zaky Infant Pillow
Besides mimicking the appearance of the Incredible Hulk (not to mention pedophiles), this hand pillow promises to imitate the touch and feel of your (unbeknownst to you), scaly icky skin. Creepy, just creepy.
5. Baby Bangs
Who says your baby isn’t beautiful when she pops out from down under? The maker of Baby Bangs, that’s who! Guess it’s never too early to prime your princess for the world of plastic surgery, tanning beds, and bling-bling.
and finally. . .the just plain wrong
6. The Dream Genii Pregnancy and Nursing Pillow
It, uh, gives back support and “puts less strain” on you. Yeah, I’d say so. Wonder if it was the pillow that got her pregnant. Yep, she’s going to sleep well tonight!
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