Well, February was over before it started and so was pregnancy # 2!
Here is the rundown:
Monday, February 11: BFP!
Wednesday, February 13 : Beta #1 1900ish
Friday, February 15: Beta #2 5000
Saturday, February 16: Red-brown and brown blood spotting (Pretty much knew it was over)
Tuesday, February 19: More blood, ultrasound revealed large, irregularly shaped mass and a possible gestational sac; doctor suspects molar pregnancy; wait
Thursday, February 21: HCG levels normal and increasing, ultrasound revealed larger, but abnormally-shaped gestational sac with possible fetal pole; doctor suspects mass is a very large blood clot and not a molar pregnancy; wait
Thursday, February 28: HCG levels still normal and increasing but gestational sac shows no growth from previous week; wait
Monday, March 4: Despite rising HCG levels, ultrasound shows no additional gestational sac growth; OFFICIALLY OVER; D & C scheduled
Tuesday, March 5: D & C performed.
The blood clot could have stopped the embryo from growing or it could have been another chromosomal abnormality. I guess we’ll find out soon.
Like I said, all of these events took place within a few, short weeks but those days have consisted of sleepless nights, missed work, trips back and forth to the doctor, hopelessness, and terror. Maybe I have no idea what pregnancy and expectancy are supposed to feel like, but I know for certain that it’s not supposed to feel like this.
I honestly do not go looking for trouble, but why does it always find me?
Right now, I’m just trying to survive physically and emotionally. This D & C has been a lot harder on me than the previous one. I fear the sight of blood and clotting. I try to stay medicated just to stay sane.
Maybe my body is getting stronger, but my spirit is getting weaker. I really have no words to describe how I feel emotionally: numb? scared? broken? I just don’t know.
I don’t think I miss this second baby (and I hate to say that) because I never got the chance to get attached. Once I saw the blood that Saturday, I just figured it was all downhill from there. I didn’t really get a clear picture on the ultrasound and the baby never had a heartbeat. I guess I’m lucky that way–not seeing or knowing the baby. Maybe it won’t hurt as much.
But it’s all a lie because I still miss my first baby. Now more than ever.
TheStorkDiaries 
Posted by wishing on a fertile star on March 10, 2013 at 5:57 pm
I’m so sorry! I know words probably don’t help much but please know you are in my thoughts. Sending you many hugs
Posted by hopingonhope on March 10, 2013 at 6:06 pm
I am so so sorry. *hugs* . Miscarriage is like a knife to the soul and nothing helps the pain. Do whatever it takes to survive these harsh days. Take care.
Posted by ladyblogalot on March 10, 2013 at 6:47 pm
Oh, honeybun, my heart just breaks for you. I think you are very strong, lady.
Posted by Fertility Doll on March 10, 2013 at 6:56 pm
I have no words. I’m just wish this pain wasn’t presented to you – to have it, to feel the hope and for it to be taken away.
I know nothing I write will soothe you right now but I want you to know that I’m sending you lots of love. That I’m thinking of you and that I hope your miracle really does come soon.
Rest up – ignore the world for a bit and heal. x
Posted by TheStorkWhisperer on March 30, 2013 at 12:03 pm
Thanks!
Posted by steph50 on March 10, 2013 at 7:39 pm
I’m really sorry… xo
Posted by Theresa on March 10, 2013 at 10:13 pm
Fuck. I’m so sorry 😦
Posted by SM on March 10, 2013 at 11:06 pm
I’m so sorry, sweetie! Sending you love and light.
Posted by cassiedash on March 10, 2013 at 11:09 pm
I’m so, so sorry. You don’t deserve this. Wishing you healing and peace.
Posted by TheStorkWhisperer on March 30, 2013 at 12:03 pm
Thanks!
Posted by chon on March 11, 2013 at 7:28 am
This is devastating to hear.
I’m incredibly sorry for you and your husband.
Posted by todayiboughtwaterproofmascara on March 11, 2013 at 8:53 am
I am really sorry to hear this for you. I hope you can do your best to get some rest and take really good care of yourself this week.
Posted by idioticinfertility on March 11, 2013 at 11:30 am
I’m sorry for your losses.
Posted by katherinea12 on March 12, 2013 at 3:37 pm
I’m so sorry.
Posted by Kate @ Infertile First Mom on March 13, 2013 at 11:30 am
I’m thinking of you and praying for healing… Daily.
Posted by TheStorkWhisperer on March 30, 2013 at 12:02 pm
That really means a lot to me. I hope we can stay in touch and that your little one is doing well.
Posted by Kate @ Infertile First Mom on May 4, 2013 at 3:15 pm
I hope so too. She is well, thanks for your thoughts.
Please stop by and touch base anytime. I’m bad about blogging these days, but I’m still here and I still care very much about where you are and how you are doing.
Posted by Flukes and Freaks | TheStorkDiaries on March 26, 2013 at 9:10 pm
[…] in my last post when I said that I didn’t really miss the baby that I just lost a few weeks […]